(Belief - Understanding) = Faith

Sometimes when I walk into a church I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. I hear the blessings and the praises, I even sing along to these beautiful songs, but I look around wondering, trying to understand this faith that I have heard about for so long, living in function of it for most of my life - it is distressing. It's like this cornerstone upon which I built my decisions, my conduct, my ethics and moral values, and sometimes I look at it, and I just can't understand it. I can't make sense of it.
Most of the time I just swallow it, smile and when other people in the church ask how I am, I speak as I always have, in hope that these coals, suffocated by doubt, burning so coldly in my heart may come back to life. So far, they always have, and I came out of these dim, heavy times knowing something new, or simply revisiting something I had forgotten.
However, I have learnt to appreciate the times of questions, of doubt. I have found even in ordinary studies that questions only come when you really are trying hard to understand something, and you have started to understand enough to have questions.
So far, I have come to understand many things through my questions - and that was great. I felt myself growing, and more curious about God, my faith, and how this affected history, science and relationships. But sometimes, I find things that I just don't understand. Either in the Bible, or in the whole mechanics of salvation, or even a reason for him to love us (I have spent a considerable amount of time trying to understand this, and most of the time I just come up empty handed finding that love is probably not meant to be understood at all). I pray about my doubts, my questions, I talk to people I consider much wiser than myself trying to work through them.
But today, as I was praying, as I was trying to understand some things about what the Bible says (and understand what of God's character I could get from it), I hit a dead end, I hadn't enough information and I simply could not understand. I prayed asking God that I would understand this, simply because I wanted to believe it, and I could not imagine believing something without understanding it.
Then I thought of something, I thought of one of the first questions I asked God: Why did you go through the trouble of putting me in the world? Well, technically, according to science, I should not exist. It was years of a praying sister (7, to be more precise), and much faith on her behalf that from a sterile mother and a father with difficulty to have children that somehow, I sprang into existence. I made the doctor cry when he did the ultrasound and found a beating heart, and he said to my mom "If you believe in God, thank him, because I cannot explain this".
And I thought, I do not understand how that happened - I don't know the mechanics, how it was that in scientifically impossible circumstances I came to be. Nevertheless, I have not for a moment had reason to not believe that I existed, even if I did not understand how that happened.
Sure, one could argue and say that I have had plenty of evidence that I exist, and I didn't really have that reassurance with God. But then I stop and think of the 'rational' evidence: the Bible, a document with entire family trees, with dates, with absurd details like measurements, numbers, all listed as a historical account of the events. Prophets whose words have proved to be true centuries later. Four separate testimonies accounting for the same period of time - and people who saw Jesus, reported this and were all willing to die for this that they had seen. The Bible has proven itself, and has presented evidence rationally.
What was my problem then? And so I realised, I was entirely rationally convinced. My mind understood all these things to be true, but these things are too large to be grasped.
And then I remembered, the familiar feeling that I have when studying natural sciences: that overwhelming feeling of something being so, so big that it could not be understood. Unlike engineerings and computer sciences, for example, that are the study of things that humans invented and, though very complex, can be comprehended, what guarantees that we have not invented the world is that fact that we don't understand all of it. There still are things out of our reach and out of our control: and that is what Christianity is about as well. There are questions. There are things that we don't understand. And that is because we have not invented it - it is because it is so much larger than our minds can grasp that we doubt, and it is because we doubt that what we are asked for is not to have understanding: but to have faith.