Divine bargaining

"So... all I need to do to get all the desires of my heart is to take delight in you and you'll just give them to me? Cool!" 

That is always the imaginary dialogue with God whenever I read the verse from Psalm 37.4:

"Take delight in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart."

However, realistically, whenever I look at the lives of people who truly took delight in the Lord, that verse seems to be plainly wrong. I don't imagine that any of the people whose story is in the Bible had being slaughtered, persecuted, cut in half, crucified or had their limbs ripped from their body because of their faith as one of the items on the list of 'desires of your heart'. In fact, whoever decides to really take Christianity seriously have lives that look pretty grim and undesirable. 

Christ himself said that "You will be hated by everyone because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved." (Matthew 10.22) and showed by example that the one who truly loves as he did ends up being hated, flogged and killed. 

So... how do we understand the verse from the Psalm? Was David wrong? I don't think so. 

The dialogue I had imagined - not very different from the negotiation you can find in a market - shows quite clearly I initially understood the verse as being a bargain, I realised that I was looking at my faith through the eyes of a capitalist consumer. I imagined it all as being a cosmic bargaining with the sovereign creator of the universe - which, let's be honest, is pretty pathetic. 

So to try to understand it I decided to put aside the very exciting 'getting desires of the heart' to start from the beginning: Delight in the Lord. 

What does delight in the Lord actually mean? Does it mean leaving all my possessions, going up into the mountains, living of the land and never being reinserted to society? Does it mean being happy all the time? 

Firstly, something that God is not saying: 'act like you like me', or 'serve me human'. He is not asking for an action. He is asking for a response. 

Suppose I have made a batch of cookies. The house smells great as you walk in and I say: if you enjoy cookies, I will make you happy by giving you more cookies. I don't think that God is saying something entirely different in this verse. 

Taking delight means enjoying God himself, which I do not think is something to be belittled or dismissed. The point is: to know if we delight in or enjoy something, we have to try it first. "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him." (Psalm 34.8). We are invited to try him! And the only way to do so is the same way we do to get to know people: spending time with him, listening and talking to him, essentially... building a relationship. 

Generally we tend to see God as a means of getting [insert here something you want such as health, money, comfort, security, love], not very unlike a teenager that is happy to be kind to their parent on the days preceding asking for money to take a trip. But being invited to take delight in him is an entirely different picture. When you take delight in someone, you spend time with them because of them. You enjoy their company, even if sitting silently in the same room. Sometimes they may even give you council, words of wisdom, a present, but you're not there for that. You're there for them. 

The thing is, any relationship which is successful ultimately changes you the more you enjoy each other and the more time you spend together. You start liking the same things, your opinions often begin to align. The way you talk, act and dress is mutually influential. With God it is not different. 

When we take delight in the Lord, it is not that we are buying him or making him just shrug and say "Fine, I'll give you the things you want now". We are not changing God. It is He who is changing us. 

Our will and desires are transformed as our relationship with God deepens, grows and we learn to love and delight in him. Our hearts become in tune with his, and so the things our heart desires are things that he would like to give us. A parent is much more likely to want to give an apple to satisfy the hunger of their child than a rock - even if the child asks for a rock. However much a parent loves a child, he will not give it a rock to eat even if the child desires it more than anything. It is not that the parent is being cruel by not giving it, but exactly the opposite. He is not satisfying the child's wish out of love. Once the child learns that rocks are not edible, but that apples are very much edible, the parent will far more often be able to give the child what they desire. Similarly, as we are shaped by God, he will give us the desires of our heart, because they start to become in tune with his own desires for us. 

Therefore, in one sense, even if you decide to pursue the self-seeking path to get what you want in the end, seeking the Lord for that, you might end up being quite surprised if you truly succeed. You may find that in the midst of delight in him, either the desires of your heart have been already satisfied by his nature or... are really not that important at all. 

"Master they say that when I seem
To be in speech with you,
Since you make no replies, it’s all a dream
– One talker aping two.

They are half right, but not as they
imagine; rather, I
Seek in myself the things I meant to say,
And lo! The well’s are dry.

Then, seeing me empty, you forsake
The listener’s role, and through
My dead lips breathe and into utterance wake
The thoughts I never knew.

And thus you neither need reply
Nor can; thus while we seem
Two talking, thou art One forever, and I
No dreamer, but thy dream.– C.S. Lewis"  

Glorious failure

Whenever I am asked what I do, the word neuroscience generally makes people react with surprise and some awe. Generally the initial surprise is followed by: "Wow, you must be really smart then!". But, in reality, it is not a particularly glamorous job. The smell of decaying tissue, the lab coats with smears and duck-taped gloves, none of it feels particularly remarkable.

About half of my time is spent in a lab handling things that are toxic and transferring very small amounts of liquid from a vial to a plate - 96 times per plate multiple times a day. It is repeating, repeating and repeating things to have statistical significance and half of the time not have any idea what the heck is going on.  

This is how a series of bad experiments over the last seven months, a lot of uncertainty regarding the future and a few other issues culminated in the rather pathetic (if not comical) sight of me walking down the darkened road, in the rain, at 9.30 pm after 12 hours doing experiments that never worked, while water soaked into my bones in the cold - the weather only adding to make me very frustrated and angry with the powers that be. 

Buried in a hole I dug for myself of self-pity, frustration and immature ranting, I couldn't help but wonder: what's the point of all of this? What good do the prestigious titles of 'neuroscientist' and 'master' do when I am literally trying to figure out why a particular chemical that only half a dozen people in the world care about reacts in such an inconsistent, chaotic way with my cells? What is the whole divine purpose of this nonsense? Why have I been weak after weak facing so many nasty uncertainties and issues? Am I being foolish trying to find a higher cosmic meaning in my small stupid first world problems? After all, what is my purpose if this is how I spend my days? In fact...what is my purpose at all? 

A quiet statement silenced my mind and halted my rant suddenly: 

"Your purpose is to glorify Me. And you can do that in failure as much as in success." 

This was a very revolutionary thought. Can I glorify God in failure? How? Doesn't everyone always pray for the church event to 'be a success for God's glory'? Or for so and so to be 'healed for God's glory'? Isn't God only 'blessing', 'working', showing his love and glory when the sick child is healed, the meal is provided in the time of hunger and when thousands of a random village in the back of the bush accept him due to the work of missionaries? How can God possibly be glorified when things look like they have... well, gone perfectly wrong?  

I thought about Jesus' ministry: people questioning him because of his humble social-economic background (Matthew 13.55, Mark 6.3), calling him a glutton and a drunkard, friend of sinners and traitors (Matthew 11.19, Luke 7.34), plotting to kill him and trying to stone him (John 8.59, 10.31), trying to push him off a cliff (Luke 4.29), pleading that Jesus will leave their town (Mark 5.17), religious leaders plotting to kill him (Matthew 12.14, Mark 3.6, John 11.45-57), and ultimately was betrayed by one of his closest friends (Luke 22), his own people pleaded for him to executed (Luke 23.21) and for a thief to be released instead of him (Matthew 27.21). 

For someone that wanted to bring God's love and salvation to people, that sounds like a pretty terrible ministry. Probably if he were a missionary and kept bringing back these stories of failure no one would want to support him. 

And yet God says he is well pleased with Jesus (Mark 1.11, Matthew 3.17, Luke 3.22), he fulfilled what he was supposed to fulfil (Matthew 1.21) and God exalted him (Philippians 2.9). 

Wait... what? 

Prosperity gospel is the belief that God will bless you with health, wealth and other earthly blessings and, though not all churches claim to be aligned with that line of thought, it seems that the general concept of God blessing us with earthly concepts of success has slowly permeated Christianity. Perhaps it is some sort of Newtonian concept of thinking good actions result in good reactions from the universe, perhaps it is some form of trying to make Karma theological. Maybe it is the influence of capitalism and the trading assets and benefits. But Christianity sometimes looks like a bargain to some people: if I am a 'good' person, therefore God should allow good things to happen to me; if I am a Christian, then God should make me happy and successful. God loves me and cares about my happiness, therefore he will provide me with my dream job, a long life, a good wife/husband, with successful results. If something is going wrong, then I am not being good, Christian or holy enough. However, the overwhelming Biblical evidence is that that belief is just utterly wrong. 

Hosea being married to a prostitute and suffering from it for a metaphor God wanted to use, Ezekiel's wife dying for God to get a point across, the suffering of Jeremiah, eleven of the twelve disciples following Jesus and Paul being martyred in horrific ways, from an earthly perspective faithfulness to Christ looks like a pretty grim path to take - but that is exactly it. Christ suffered. Christ died. And the same fate came to many who followed him. 

Our culture today, in the exaltation of positive emotions, has come to believe that God loving us necessarily means he wants us to be happy over all things. But, though I would imagine he would want us to be ultimately happy, he knows that we cannot truly find happiness apart from himself and the way he designed us to be: holy. God puts our eternal holiness over our temporary happiness. 

By saying this I do not mean to say he is this terrible being that will make us suffer until we realise how we need him, in fact, he provides many sources of temporary joy and happiness in the world - a good conversation with a friend, a cool drink in a summer day, a beautiful sunset, a good book, family. However, he will not endlessly pour into our days all the blessings we hope to have less we forget the true Source of all joy. 

Pain, suffering, frustration and failure often are ways in which we can grow closer to God and for him to make us holier. But not only that, even if while on earth we were to reach perfect holiness, we still would not be exempt of suffering any more than Jesus was. We also do not have to play the 'I'm a Christian and my life is perfect' card, as he showed. He experienced negative emotions too. He showed fear in the Getsemani (Luke 22, Matthew 26). I also think that there is some irritation/frustration when he curses the fig tree for it not having fruit, even though it was not season of figs (Mark 11.12-14). He shows anger against the people dishonouring the Father in the temple courts (Mark 11.15-17). 

But ultimately, he remained faithful and obedient in spite of all this. He did not start listing things he should be doing differently in order to bargain with God and receive blessings; he never questioned God's goodness; he never asked 'why me?'. He did not necessarily want to go through carrying the sin of the world and being crucified (Luke 22.42), but we cannot wait to feel like we want to go through such things: obedience is only obedience when you do not necessarily want to do something. Otherwise, it is only doing what you would be doing anyway. 

If we continue to believe that we need earthly blessings to know that God loves us, cares for us and is pleased with us, while we may be not be any less Christian, we may be stagnant in an immature state of relationship with God. We may never understand him, his character or will in more depth. We will be the two year old who is so distracted with the shiny gifts from the father (or distracted and worried why we did not receive the gifts from the father), that we miss out on the gift that the father is himself. Our hearts will be prone to wander and our faith weak. 

We are not called to health, wealth, happiness and perfect families. We were not called to have the right feelings all the time and to just go with them. We are not called to results, successful stories, crowds of people who love us. Our lives have the purpose of glorifying God as the Son did, and the best way to do so is to do his will: 

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." 

- Micah 6.8 

We are called for obedience in - even if it costs us all of those other shiny things we love so much. And in that, even the most extravagant, frustrating and gut-wrenching failure can be the greatest glory you have ever achieved. 

Entertaining our lives away

In spite of having multiple hobbies and interests, it has been with some disappointment and a nagging sense of guilt that I have watched my time spent drawing, painting or writing dwindle over the past few months. Even though I wouldn't consider my hours to be unreasonable in any way, the fact is once I am done with experiments, reviewing scientific literature and writing my thesis or papers, I do not really feel like exercising the intellectual effort of engaging in any of my other hobbies. All I want to do is sit down, eat and let my mind rest with an easy to read fiction book, a movie or an episode of a series. 

However, observing this trend I began to wonder: how much of my time and, ultimately, my life is being poured down the drain into fictional worlds that have never existed? Into worlds of happy endings, of magic, dragons knights in shining armour? Worlds in which science works like magic, and in which heroes and villains are caricatures, as easily told apart as black and white? Stories in which the good guy gets the girl and they live happily ever after (whatever that is supposed to mean)?

If, for instance, I were to consider two hours a day destined to entertainment (either one movie, two episodes of a series or a few chapters of a book), that would sum up to 14 hours a week, 730 hours a year - which is shockingly one month per year or an average of approximately 6 years of one's life (given a life of approximately 70 years) spent away from the real world. 

The fact is our generation consumes an unprecedented amount of entertainment, and much of identity is based on the types of movies, books and music you like. There has been a decline in people with particular intellectual interests, and very often bonding and friendship are based solely on similar entertainment choices. Suddenly, financially we are not capable of funding the extent of entertainment, and thus illegal downloads have increased and people 'own' more than their computers are capable of storing. We have come to the circumstance in which our need for entertainment has reached an extent where it is now socially acceptable (and often expected) that you will literally steal something to be able to satisfy your need for it. 

One of the many issues arising from this is that it is profoundly changing the way we see and interact with the world. 

For instance, recently a study was published on the way that romance novels and movies are as harmful to relationships as pornography; each of them profit from creating an artificially constructed ideal which satisfies the two stereotypical forms of ideal relationships of each gender. From spending extensive amount of time in these artificial worlds, we create false expectations as to what relationships are like, and thus are perpetually unsatisfied. We are frustrated believing that perhaps another person might fulfil our emotional or sexual desires in the way portrayed in a particular book or movie. Now only that, also most movies  do have a romantic component: the good guy wins the girl, kisses (or has sex with) the girl and the credits start rolling. And suddenly people find themselves in an actual relationships in which they have to figure out what happens after the first kiss or what "happily ever after" actually involves. 

However, believing that the negative consequences of excess entertainment are limited to romantic relationships is at best naïve. The flooding of our minds of a month per year of action,  emotion, magic, powers and supernatural abilities suddenly makes the real world seem impossibly dull and boring. Suddenly we find that often we will "pursue our dreams" and that won't work out. We may try our best, but we still do not achieve fame and success. Our beauty standards of what we should look like are completely unrealistic (sorry ladies, I don't think you have time to retouch make up in a zombie apocalypse and sorry lads, there is no science to make your muscles grow overnight like Captain America). Disregarding rules will have negative consequences, unlike what Harry Potter says. Relationships are not made of first kisses and happily ever afters - they are made of imperfect people working hard to take care of each other (and that probably will involve conflict). 

We then look at our lives - hours of studying, hours doing work we don't really know the point of, hours cooking and housekeeping, our relationships, financial difficulties - and we can't help but be sorely disappointed and frustrated. Our wins do not have crowds cheering us forward, and our accomplishments do not have epic music. 

This disappointment drains us emotionally, and our lives seem to not have meaning - and so we ease our minds by flooding them with yet more of the temporary joy and meaning of mindless entertainment. We need to feel some spark of joy, power or hope and thus we look to fiction as we often cannot find it in the world. 

I do not think that eliminating entertainment entirely is a solution. Storytelling has always had a place in society - often it would be a form of communicating inheritance, origin and education. Fiction is a form of art which may help bring to light relevant matter of society or morality, for example. It is one way of building empathy and understanding points of view other than your own by living in the situation of other characters. 

However, the concern I have had in observing is the increasing importance and dependence we have on it, and how much of ourselves is defined by activities often destined only to 'switch off' our brains. It seems to be a numbing of the mind hypnotising us into a trance, a fiction that pulls us out of the real world and keeps us trapped in an addiction artificial emotions - not very unlike the use of drugs and alcohol. 

From a Christian perspective, I cannot help but ask myself: How much does this endless entertainment contribute to my soul and character? How many years of my limited time on earth do I want to give to Hollywood and Netflix? What is there in me and my life that drives me so strongly to numb myself, fleeing from myself and reality? Or, the question I have been using to reevaluate many aspects of my life: 

What is the relevance of this in light of eternity? 

"Homing"

This week I entered the last year of my first quarter of a century. In general, I don't like making a big deal about birthdays, but there is something particular about my recently acquired age. It is an age I generally associated with a person that has everything much more 'together' than I do - that knows what their future beyond the next 10 months looks like. Someone that has at least a more established idea of what career path to take. A week in, I think it's safe to assume no magical changes happen to a person when they blow the candles that makes them into an amazingly put together adult.
Entering the sixth year of living away from my mother's home - I am completing a fourth of my life as a nomad, living away from my mother's home. I have in two years lived in three cities under about 6 different addresses. I have lived in houses with 13 different people. Unsurprisingly, I feel a bit worn out.
I carry around things to try to make anywhere feel like home - candles, posters, pictures, letters, books, quotes. But at the moment I look at the year ahead of me - not knowing what lies beyond that - and my heart just yearns for somewhere to be "home". Somewhere to rest the head and the heart. Somewhere of peace, and of love. And rather than a housing issue - of a building with a ceiling and four walls - I believe my current issue is one of 'homing'.
For many years, I thought that desiring the stability of a family to come home to was something inherently wrong. I thought I had to get my act together on my own, be independent and responsible for myself, stable emotionally and not depend on anyone or anything to determine my identity. Seeking such things in a house, in a family, were, to me, signs of some form of weakness.
I also thought that as a Christian this was wrong. I had seen so many people around me making a family into an idol in itself - something worshiped and pursued far more than the one who created the family in the first place - that I constantly feared this. Often, I would avoid discussions about marriage or children not due to lack of interest, but out of fear of succumbing to this idol I had seen ruin so many lives. God must be enough on His own.
I still approach such ideas with caution and rebuke myself when I sway too much in that direction; howbeit, I have come to understand that the feeling of yearning a home, emotional stability and love are not inherently bad in themselves. Like most things, what matters is not the feeling, but what we do with it. What may ultimately destroy us is what we direct these desires to.
For instance, God established marriage himself before the fall (Gn. 2). Therefore, it is his creation and was within everything he saw was "Good". He said it was not good for man to be alone. However - unlike popular belief, especially in Christian circles in which there is always a high expectation for wedding bells - he never encouraged this to be anyone's ultimate goal. In fact, he has some quite hard things to say about family in Luke 9.
When one man looks out Jesus and says "I will follow you wherever you go", Jesus doesn't use euphemisms. He doesn't act like a life of service is a walk in the park, all love and butterflies. "Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." And so those who serve him may come to this too. Following this, when two people want to respectively bury a parent and another to say goodbye to their family, Jesus gives two very blunt answers: “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” and  “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” I do not believe in any way that Jesus is saying family is a bad thing, but these verses establish very clearly that God is to be above it in one's list of priorities.
But then what is to be done with this need humans have for a home and a family? The desire for marriage, so haunting to many people? Is it to be left and ignored? Personally, I do not think this feeling exists by chance or coincidence.

"If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world."
- C.S.Lewis

As Easter approaches, sermons and studies surrounding, analysing and picking apart details of the last supper and crucifixion increase in Christian circles. But this week I learnt one thing about the last supper that surprisingly helped me to understand a great deal about human nature.
In the passover meal, there was always a cup of wine set aside and close to the door, the Cup of salvation which was set aside as a sign that the Messiah was coming. In the last supper, this was the cup that Jesus took and offered as a covenant to his disciples. Thing is, offering  this was not unusual in Jewish tradition - we only call this 'covenant' a particular name: Marriage.
When a man asked a woman to marry him, the families would be gathered for a meal, the man would pour out the wine and offer it as his covenant with her. The woman could, in theory, accept the proposal by drinking from the cup, or reject by not drinking. They would then go back to their hometowns, and the woman would now be called by the man's name - because she had been promised to him. The couple would not see each other for several months as the groom-to-be built a house - or in the translation we use in the Bible, 'mansion' - behind his parents' house. Communication would be made by the best man between the bride-to-be and groom-to-be, until the groom's father approved of the house and said the bride was to be brought, and thus they would be married.
What this means is that 2,000 years ago - when Jesus offered the cup to his followers, he was proposing to them, and after raising in the third day went to 'prepare a place' for us (John 14.3). In fact, that whole passage is remarkably consistent with the Jewish traditions!

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am."

This is consistent with multiple other passages in the Bible in which God refers to his people as his bride, such as Hosea, Ezekiel, Revelation.
You might ask - what does this have to do with the whole rest of the text? Well, what this means is that if we have this desire and longing for family, for togetherness and, ultimately, for a home it makes sense that we would and that it would be so strong such that it would overrule many other important things. The sad part, however, is that we seek to satisfy it only in the short term aspect of marriage on earth and through building a home with material possessions. These become our securities, and we at some point may believe it is the sole purpose this feeling was there in the first place.
In one thing the little old ladies in church asking you if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or someone saying you have to get married - in a strange and unexpected way, they are right that we were all made for the stability of marriage and of a home, and if you are a Christian and have accepted Christ's covenant you are technically engaged (This definition definitely has potential to make Sunday dinner with the family interesting).
But this is what threw me off from all my concepts of such things. My idea, as I mentioned, was that I had to be 'self sufficient, responsible for myself, independent emotionally, etc etc". But, with Christ, this makes absolutely no sense. Often the metaphor used in the Bible to describe his Bride and Beloved is that of an adulteress, a prostitute, unfaithful. She is far from perfect, has a past of lies, deceit and unfaithfulness. She most definitely does not have it all together. And yet, he is proposing this covenant. A very costly covenant, in fact - that would cost him his life. But this is the measure of his love. "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15.13)
This is not a conditional offer - that Christ will only love you if you become emotionally independent, self sufficient, etc etc. In fact, we are encouraged to bring everything - even, and especially, our brokeness to him, and he mends us, heals us, and by wearing his name, and his purity we are able to be dressed in white. Not by our achievements or hard work - but by his grace.

God sees us as we are, loves us as we are, and accepts us as we are. But by his grace, he does not leave us as we are.

-Timothy Keller 

This made me think of so many brides-to-be that I know, friends and relatives, spending hours of effort, money and decision making preparing for their weddings. And I stopped to think of this covenant with Christ, and I wondered - what if we spent this much time and effort, and had preparation as high on our list of priorities to meet Christ on that day? How would our lives be different?
In light of this extraordinary love, and this covenant, I realised that ultimately, I may or may not have a place to rest my head in the next few years. Perhaps I might have it easy for now and have a vague illusion of security and stability by having a home - or I will continue to be challenged in this sense, and God may continue to push me to realise that my home is not, in fact, on earth. But one thing I do know that keeps me going is that, weather my heart is full or empty, torn or whole, ashamed or proud, there will always be somewhere to rest it: the certainty of an unconditional and irrevocable love. Regardless of houses, families, careers, this will still stand. And, well, that's a pretty darn good thought to carry into the quarter-centuries to come.

Puberty 2.0 - the limbo of being the twenty something year old

Times of change happen throughout our lives. Birth is a traumatic experience for a baby, and coming into contact with a world that is entirely new is somewhat overwhelming. Everything has to be learnt, discovered - and many of the people 'instructing' you and desperately inconsistent and confusing. Growing up, we gain progressively more freedom, our bodies grow, change, and we continue developing. We come to the world as explorers, but generally for the first couple of decades we have a safe base we can go back to - the home, the parents, sometimes siblings. It is the safe haven that, in our moments of crisis - every explorer has their crisis and failures - where we can run to and feel safe. 

Of all these times of changes, for whatever reason, the main focus is puberty; it is a time that gets a great deal of attention because of the physical and hormonal changes going on. The dynamics of relationships change a lot, and social gatherings and acceptance change. When I was around 11 years old, I remember solemnly receiving a book called "happy adolescence" -which was in fact very poorly written, utterly uninteresting, and which I do not even recall having finishing due to thinking it was a waste of time. Also, I recall hearing from teachers, leaders and parents  many things about this strange concept of "puberty" - I heard so many times about the changes I was going to go through, I never really understood the fuss everyone was kicking up. I just wanted to say "Would you just get over it, already?". 

Church and sunday school seemed to be trying to brain wash me with all these rules about the things that would change, without ever actually sitting down for an actual conversation or actually giving reasons for these rules, which simply irritated me because I was treated like less than a person, as if I were not capable of thinking. I was sick of hearing all these rules regurgitated and hammered into my head. Perhaps what made puberty most traumatic were not the changes themselves, but the dramatic reaction of those 'responsible adults' surrounding me telling me how traumatic it was going to be. 

In contrast with the pubescence when I presumptuously assumed myself to be 'all grown up' and 'very capable of making my own decisions', irritated by advice, I find myself currently in another crucial time of development and formation that is entirely opposite in essence. It is the sudden realisation of the foolishness of the arrogance of adolescence, when, faced with the world and responsibility, I realise how actually very not grown up or capable of making my own decisions I feel - even if I have reached the point it is non-optional to backtrack and run to mummy, and yet you crave help, support and advice. 

The phase I refer to is the early to mid twenties time of coming to the end of graduation. Up to now, things were pretty straight forward: School, pick a university course, stick to that for 4 to 5 years, get that done. From the point the course comes to an end, though, things get complicated - so, what now? There is no obvious formula. Academia? Continue studying? Work in industry? Start a business? Follow an irrational dream? Options and possibilities stretch out as endlessly as your imagination can take you, and it is quite overwhelming. Still, I do not believe the changes in career are the worst part. You are not only in a career limbo, you are in a life limbo. 

The safe haven of "home" many times ceases to exist. You are now a "responsible adult" (whatever that means). Running home in any crisis is not an option you can often go for. It is time to take on responsibility and administrate time and money: pay bills, organise housing, take care of your housing, work full time, keep your documents in order. You no longer have a moment of leisure, of letting someone else take care of things for you while you chill out. If you mess up, you have only yourself to blame. If you pick a bad health insurance, it's your bill you have after an accident. If you spend too much on a shopping spree, you don't have money for food. 

Also, not only practically, but also emotionally, this can take a toll. The feeling of going back home after living away for a long time many times gives you a feeling that, though you love the people there very much, that is not the place you fit in anymore - especially because many times family rightfully so have difficulty in seeing you as now a grown adult, and still see a funny toddler or a giggly baby that knows nothing of the world. This, combined with losing many friends, contributes to a feeling of non-belonging that can be a dangerous component triggering reckless choices of courses of action.

The end of university also brings many social changes. Many times, it means moving away from the city you have been for at least the duration of your course - this means, apart from leaving a place that ideally you have associated with good memories, it also means parting with people that have been very important to you for in the least a few years. Your friends may move cities or countries, or you yourself might be the one moving. 

This means that adding to the pile of confusion regarding career, a terrible feeling of misplacement, an overwhelming feeling of need to 'grow up' and take up responsibility you do not feel ready to take on, holding it all together is a heart wrenching feeling of loneliness. Having all these complicating factors at play that place your life in this void lacking an obvious path to take contributes very often to very poor decision making. 

There are a few options of how to avoid these issues that I have seen in use,

Procrastinate the issue

Many people in the current twenty something generation around me I have seen opting for proceeding living at home depending on parents while continuing studies in new undergrad courses or sometimes even with jobs and postgrad courses. 

Just ignore the issues arising

This involves a great deal of distractions from the real demands or even a crisis of loneliness by spending unhealthy amount of time working, drinking, partying and/or in shallow relationships. 

Give into the despair or loneliness

Many times, resulting in anxiety, depression and many times in catastrophic outcomes, such as suicide

Cease to be lonely

Many times people engage in unhealthy relationships to cease, even if momentarily, to be lonely. Many of these relationships are rushed, emotionally based and many times (especially in religious circles) result in premature marriage. What this attempts to construct is the feeling of "safe haven" in an alternate way, by starting a new family. However, giving into that impulse in such an important and life changing decision in a time of crisis very often results in problems worse than the initial ones -  not only affecting one's self, but also another person. 

Very little is said about the difficulty of this time of changes, which is surprising given the fuss kicked up for the much smaller issue of puberty. The whole crisis of the twenty something limbo came as a complete surprise, and it hit me full on like a blow to the face when I least expected it. Perhaps due to not knowing the need and importance of dealing wisely with such circumstances, we have many 30 year old teenagers in the world, or people making such bad decisions. Maybe, we are just such a spoilt generation, that we are just really reluctant to get our act together and grow up. 

Therefore, I do not have a precise formula as to how to deal with this phase of life, especially because I am still in it, and thus my view is partial and clouded. However, what I can do is share some things that have kept me sane in these very strange, confusing and at times overwhelming circumstances. 

Whatever is the case, I think it's important to talk about the challenges and to seek support from people that are older and wiser. Even communicating with other people also in the same phase is important - it's a great deal of relief knowing you aren't the only one struggling. People in the same situation understand, have empathy and perhaps you can help each other out. 

Secondly, it is important to be in check with yourself and your feelings. I know, it sounds sentimental, and so on, but feeling secure in yourself and your value as a human being takes away the whole 'seeking approval' thing, and can help your time of 'loneliness' become rather a time of solitude - a time to learn, to get to know yourself more, and figure out what really is important in your priorities, convictions, natural abilities and skills. Knowing these things makes you less susceptible to impulsive decisions, and can help you plan out a potential course to take. Also, examine realistically your circumstances. Common sense goes a long way in decision making. 

Lastly, I think the only thing that has kept me sane throughout the whole process is knowing that I'm not just an aimless wanderer floating helplessly in the hands of circumstances or feelings. As a Christian, I believe that God is sovereign, and he has a will for my life - I also believe I have a free will to choose what I want to do, but from experience I have found it's a better idea to seek what his is. Rationally, asking help to someone who is omniscient (aka, knows all things) for help is a good plan. If he knows all the variables at play in all of space and time, why not try to get his help? 

Many people, even if Christians might fear this out of love for their own dreams - and this is something I am still trying to learn to let go of - or out of fear of what might come. God's will is good, perfect and pleasant (Romans 12.2), even if not painless or easy. But something to consider is that God made us, along with our talents and aptitudes - so it makes sense that his will likely may involve things you like and are good at, even if in an unexpected way. He also knows what really matters to you long term - sometimes having less money at a time can teach something that can impact you, your love for others, your soul eternally, which has infinitely more value than having money in a particular time of your life, for example. So we can trust him to make things cooperate for our ultimate good (Romans 8.28) even if our concept of "good" is different from his. 

Of course, this "his will" can mean a great deal of things. It can be hard, painful, illogical and many times counter-cultural. Sometimes, people might think you are a crazy fanatic, as was the case of my grandpa, who with a degree in naval engineering and in medicine, knew english, latin, french, spanish, greek and hebrew, left a developed country to come to the back of beyond of Brazil to be a missionary - note that Portuguese is not on the list. But, steady your convictions and go for it if you are very sure of something. 

At times, one might regret seeking his will at all. However, in my personal experience, God has worked out amazing things even in the chaos of my life. He has given me more than I could ask or imagine, and in seemingly bad circumstances he put around me taught me many lessons I otherwise would not have had if I had decided things on my own. Even if sometimes I cringe at the "Your will be done" with some fear and apprehension, I would rather be a headless chicken in his hands and in his control than be a headless chicken distractedly running towards a precipice of selfish, vain, prestigious and materialistic ambition that is hidden behind the social convention of "do what makes you happy". 

And so, in the end of my conclusion, I think seeking a purpose and having something bigger to aim at has kept me running the race (though sometimes it's more like a maze than an olympic track). It's a complicated and weird time, but I think that if we can even get out of "exploring an entire new world" as toddlers and the arrogant time of puberty alive, we can probably get away with learning to be a "responsible adult". Perhaps making failures into teachers rather than defeaters, is lesson #1 in survival and growing up. 

Unfitting

Whenever I went to get my school uniform, my mum got the uniform or a pair of shoes two or three sizes bigger than my own and said "You'll grow into it, we don't have the money to keep buying it new all the time". I looked at the long sleeves drooping over my hands, or the hems of trousers folded up, or the space between my toe and the front of the shoe and wondered how it was possible that one day I could fill all this space.

I think this is the same feeling I have facing the immense changes facing me at hand. It has been a feeling recurrent - but now it seems somewhat foolish that the object of fear would be passing with a good mark in electromagnetism or in ordinary differential equations. At present, as the weeks go by and I tick of items pending on my "to do" list, my imminent departure of the place that has been "home" for my entire life becomes more real. It's good, but it's bad. It's exciting, but absolutely terrifying. It's a full on paradox. This is a process that I have called informally "adulting" - and it feels like it's time to face more responsibility than I feel prepared to take on.

 -- A homemade definition --

a·dult·ing
/əˈdəlt,ˈadˌəltiNG/

verb
The sudden realisation of the need to become fully grown and developed. 

"He is adulting very much now that he has to pay his own bills."  

noun Process related to taking on responsibility for one's self and one's actions. 

"They have not talked so much lately because of adulting."   

adjective 

Quality that contributes to the process of adulting (see noun). 

"Living abroad is a very adulting experience."

However, thinking of all the times the "too small to fill these shoes" feeling was present, it was a remarkably similar feeling. The challenges we face throughout life fill us equally of fear and insecurity, from when we learn our alphabet to when we have to write a cover letter for our CV. However much now I could look back at when I was learning my timetables and think "How I wish those were my issues now...", the truth is, I do not wish I was in that phase of my life, because at the time, learning timetables was as challenging then to me as the challenges I face now.

The trouble with nostalgia is that looking back in time, more often than not, memories are an idealised scene of our past that have been subject to years of emotional attribution and subjectivity. We tend to store memory most strongly when it is relevant emotionally. This is why many times we remember well something we ate that made us sick, and why we also remember well moments that made us very happy. Emotional relevance makes your body more likely to put the effort into memorising a particular type of data, and so we have very extreme memories of the past.

Likewise, we tend to idealise the future and have high expectations - but given that the number of variables coordinating our future is infinitely larger than anything we can even imagine, whatever future we imagine is almost definitely not the same as what it actually will be. This is a dangerous way of thinking and it may make us believe other times are much better or much worse than our present [1] - the only time we can actually do something about. This type of logic - nostalgic or futuristic - distorts our view of the world, and cripples us when faced with new situations because our reference point of "good" or "easy" is unrealistic. We believe the grass is always greener away from our present situation.

I think it's interesting looking at God's approach to such things in his Word. We are creatures bound within time (for now, anyway), and time is mentioned indirectly. Consistently in the old testament God reminds us to look to the past and see what he has done, to see his faithfulness. He does not tell us to look at the circumstances, at our emotional context, at the people surrounding us in a certain point of life - but he told us to look to Him, and no one else. When he speaks to Israel, he asks her to remember all he has done and the signs and evidence of his love (Deuteronomy 8.10-18). He calls himself multiple times the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He attaches the memory of his work, love and faithfulness to his very name. He was, he is and is to come (Revelation 4.8).

Time is not significant to him, and he is not bound by it - thus, when we look at his character in the past, we are also seeing his character in the future, and present. The only difference is the expression of this character through the different filters of circumstance.

Viewing him and his work in the past, apart from making us unrealistically idealise circumstances in the past, also brings our attention back to his faithfulness - the reason why fear of the future, or even giving it undue attention is absolutely unnecessary. He teaches us to pray for "our daily bread" - not a bread like yesterdays, or enough bread to stock up for years to come. By remembering what he has done, we cease to try to live in any time other than our own, for it is in the present we can live, breathe, love, interact, learn and change. We see only him in the past and trust him with the future - while it is in the present that we touch eternity, and can actually do something to be closer to what he intends us to be in eternity.

And thinking of this, of all the times I felt too small to fit the shoes I was wearing, these were the moments I stopped and looked to God, and he helped me through the next unstable steps. Consistently he showed me where to step and held my hand, and slowly I grew to fit the shoes I had - and were my weakness abounded, his strength abounded even more. I guess it's time to tie the shoelaces and trust him for the next step!

"One step thou seest - then go forward boldly
One step is far enough for faith to see
Take that, and the next duty shall be told thee
For step by step by step, the Lord is leading thee"

[1] I came across an interesting word that seems to have a meaning that explains this very well (according to the wisdom of Wikipedia, anyway): Sehnsucht but that "represents thoughts and feelings about all facets of life that are unfinished or imperfect, paired with a yearning for ideal alternative experiences. It has been referred to as “life’s longings”; or an individual’s search for happiness while coping with the reality of unattainable wishes. Such feelings are usually profound, and tend to be accompanied by both positive and negative feelings. This produces what has often been described as an ambiguous emotional occurrence."

Outsourced love

Many times, I need to use the subway or the bus in São Paulo, and this experience frustrates me greatly. Firstly because there is a high concentration of people, generally in closed, hot and confined spaces. Secondly, because it's mentally stressful to be a young person on public transportation because, even if there are seats marked different colours especially because of them being priority seats, very often I have seen young people occupy such seats and either blatantly ignore older people, or act like they are distracted and never see the person. This irritates me profoundly. Therefore, I try to take it upon myself to give my seat - if it is reserved or not for priority groups - but this means there is no such thing as an easy relaxed trip even if I am sitting. I remember laughing very much when I tried to offer my seat to an old asian man in the subway, but he kindly shook his head and pointed to the seat he was standing beside - a priority seat, occupied by a young man that had not given up his seat. The asian grampa smiled and waited patiently until this young man gave up his seat. Eventually, the young man gave up and gave his seat and the grampa gave me a huge smile as he sat again, and we silently shared a laugh. However, the fact that this type of thing happens is only symptomatic of a social condition which is a whole lot worse.

While in many cultures people who are older are respected and cared for, the western culture has little to show in this regard. It is somewhat a despairing thought to imagine one's self perhaps becoming older in this society that ceases to give value to those who cease to be productive. Once a person has reached a certain point in which they do not work, earn or produce, it is like they are no longer necessary and are essentially waiting for their last years to pass by and are little more than an annoyance to much of society. 

Especially in big cities, it is a very lonely place to be of age. There are little to no activities the person can do alone - not even go for a walk or buy something they need - and so they are trapped within the place where they reside. Very few older people are able to live their entire lives alone, and when they need care, they are sent to a home because any sons and daughters have to 'get on with their lives'. There is no time to stop for the other. It is better for people to pay for others to care of their parents than it is to do it one's self. 

This is not something unique to the treatment of old people, but also of children. I came from a culture in which when I went to visit my friends in their houses, I never met their mothers - I met only their nannies. The mothers were always working. 

Although at times this is a necessity due to a financial condition, many times the money the mother earns at work is entirely spent on the nanny and the housekeeper that are artificially playing the role of a mother, but without the emotional bond or freedom to discipline. Children are raised by creches, schools, television and internet because at some point women saw that those who were recognised most in society, were those that were part of the machine of production and profit, allied to the feeling of need of independence, we have entered the workforce. I am not against this - this has saved may women from abusive relationships, and even my own mother worked throughout my childhood in a part-time job for us to manage to make ends meet financially, but she put a great deal of effort into being able to juggle all this. But what I many times see is that, many men were initially wrong in not taking up any role whatsoever in parenting and women, rather than bringing this forward to such an extent that they should fulfil this duty, women started to do the same thing as men: If working out of the house means I do not have to care for a child, then I will do so too! And in this sense "equal rights" ends up becoming something more like "equal wrongs" - and so children have been the ones who have suffered the blow of not having an identity within a family and have outsourced parenting. 

These children are now growing up. These children have never been taught to build relationships. These children have no idea who in the world they are if not doing what they saw their parents doing all their lives: working. 

We have come to the point that the question that follows "What is your name?" is "What do you do?" and the answer to what we do is our job description, because that is what ultimately we do. We do not love, laugh, spend time with our ageing parents, listen to the stories of our grandparents - what we do is our job, the rest fits around the corners. What we do is give profit to a company, what we do is we research for the desperately corrupt pharmaceutical companies that leave aside treatment that cures to be able to continue selling (and profiting) with treating symptoms, rather than solving underlying causes. What we do is we teach classrooms full of students whose names we may never know for them too to be part of this system, and will use the tools handed to them in university or school to neglect those they love. 

Of course, this seems a very pessimistic view of the world. There are many good things one can do with work, and we were commanded to work by God in Genesis - work in itself is not the problem, but the fact that it scales up the list of priorities silently and swiftly knocking down other people and things that should not be below it. 

Before work was mentioned by God, relationships were established. Reading Genesis 1 and 2, God did work to make all of Creation, but he worked so that these relationships could be established and thrive: the relationship of God and man, of man and nature and men amongst themselves. The entire basis of the system God elaborated and constructed to work harmoniously is relationships. However, it is becoming progressively more normal to entirely eliminate this aspect of life in favour of shallow relationships to give space to work. We have ceased working to survive, and we are now surviving to work. 

Our lives become empty of meaning, and we feel we lack in value when we cease to be productive. I have just spent the last 4 months away from working and studying, and I honestly was almost driven to madness because it was like I "had" to work, produce and do something to be useful to the world and not a waste of space. Instead, God answered every time I was frustrated about this by reminding me that the significance that I invested in and could achieve in this time not working was far greater away from salaries or lab countertops. It was in the home, nurturing relationships, spending time with my family, listening to my grandmother's missionary stories, writing letters and visiting people I love, or even doing things for loved ones though they were far. 

And, in fact, ultimately, it is through these relationships that we find our true meaning. I have found how out of practice I was for the art of being idle, and just how very draining and even much more challenging it is to build such meaningful relationships. It is much easier to slice tissue, follow an immunohistochemistry protocol or plot data than it is to yield to another person's will, to be silent when you disagree, to be patient when you are tired. We may be PhDs for a great deal of things, but we are barely in primary school when it comes to being a sibling, friend or parent. 

At the end of the day, with our fancy jobs, diplomas and all that money can buy, we are still miserable people. A great deal of the population suffers from depression, addiction, and multiple other disorders. We are fearful, and though we have never been so many, we have never been so alone. We seek love and approval in ways money can buy - because even with all this money, we still are not happy or fulfilled. But we can't fix it. Not by money, science or cleverness. 

The only logical way to start fixing it is going back to when things were actually working for work and relationships, in Genesis: Reestablishing the first relationship, of God and man. This is where the necessary healing begins such that from there. Christ came to reconcile in himself all things, and through him the relationships broken by beliefs that our value is in producing rather than in Christ dying for our sins can be mended. Hearts and minds wounded by a lonely society and an inhuman profit machine can be truly healed. We can perhaps then describe ourselves not anymore as engineers, scientists or psychologists - but as mothers, daughters, sons, fathers and friends. And this will have more value than any imaginable number of digits of a salary.