Puberty 2.0 - the limbo of being the twenty something year old

Times of change happen throughout our lives. Birth is a traumatic experience for a baby, and coming into contact with a world that is entirely new is somewhat overwhelming. Everything has to be learnt, discovered - and many of the people 'instructing' you and desperately inconsistent and confusing. Growing up, we gain progressively more freedom, our bodies grow, change, and we continue developing. We come to the world as explorers, but generally for the first couple of decades we have a safe base we can go back to - the home, the parents, sometimes siblings. It is the safe haven that, in our moments of crisis - every explorer has their crisis and failures - where we can run to and feel safe. 

Of all these times of changes, for whatever reason, the main focus is puberty; it is a time that gets a great deal of attention because of the physical and hormonal changes going on. The dynamics of relationships change a lot, and social gatherings and acceptance change. When I was around 11 years old, I remember solemnly receiving a book called "happy adolescence" -which was in fact very poorly written, utterly uninteresting, and which I do not even recall having finishing due to thinking it was a waste of time. Also, I recall hearing from teachers, leaders and parents  many things about this strange concept of "puberty" - I heard so many times about the changes I was going to go through, I never really understood the fuss everyone was kicking up. I just wanted to say "Would you just get over it, already?". 

Church and sunday school seemed to be trying to brain wash me with all these rules about the things that would change, without ever actually sitting down for an actual conversation or actually giving reasons for these rules, which simply irritated me because I was treated like less than a person, as if I were not capable of thinking. I was sick of hearing all these rules regurgitated and hammered into my head. Perhaps what made puberty most traumatic were not the changes themselves, but the dramatic reaction of those 'responsible adults' surrounding me telling me how traumatic it was going to be. 

In contrast with the pubescence when I presumptuously assumed myself to be 'all grown up' and 'very capable of making my own decisions', irritated by advice, I find myself currently in another crucial time of development and formation that is entirely opposite in essence. It is the sudden realisation of the foolishness of the arrogance of adolescence, when, faced with the world and responsibility, I realise how actually very not grown up or capable of making my own decisions I feel - even if I have reached the point it is non-optional to backtrack and run to mummy, and yet you crave help, support and advice. 

The phase I refer to is the early to mid twenties time of coming to the end of graduation. Up to now, things were pretty straight forward: School, pick a university course, stick to that for 4 to 5 years, get that done. From the point the course comes to an end, though, things get complicated - so, what now? There is no obvious formula. Academia? Continue studying? Work in industry? Start a business? Follow an irrational dream? Options and possibilities stretch out as endlessly as your imagination can take you, and it is quite overwhelming. Still, I do not believe the changes in career are the worst part. You are not only in a career limbo, you are in a life limbo. 

The safe haven of "home" many times ceases to exist. You are now a "responsible adult" (whatever that means). Running home in any crisis is not an option you can often go for. It is time to take on responsibility and administrate time and money: pay bills, organise housing, take care of your housing, work full time, keep your documents in order. You no longer have a moment of leisure, of letting someone else take care of things for you while you chill out. If you mess up, you have only yourself to blame. If you pick a bad health insurance, it's your bill you have after an accident. If you spend too much on a shopping spree, you don't have money for food. 

Also, not only practically, but also emotionally, this can take a toll. The feeling of going back home after living away for a long time many times gives you a feeling that, though you love the people there very much, that is not the place you fit in anymore - especially because many times family rightfully so have difficulty in seeing you as now a grown adult, and still see a funny toddler or a giggly baby that knows nothing of the world. This, combined with losing many friends, contributes to a feeling of non-belonging that can be a dangerous component triggering reckless choices of courses of action.

The end of university also brings many social changes. Many times, it means moving away from the city you have been for at least the duration of your course - this means, apart from leaving a place that ideally you have associated with good memories, it also means parting with people that have been very important to you for in the least a few years. Your friends may move cities or countries, or you yourself might be the one moving. 

This means that adding to the pile of confusion regarding career, a terrible feeling of misplacement, an overwhelming feeling of need to 'grow up' and take up responsibility you do not feel ready to take on, holding it all together is a heart wrenching feeling of loneliness. Having all these complicating factors at play that place your life in this void lacking an obvious path to take contributes very often to very poor decision making. 

There are a few options of how to avoid these issues that I have seen in use,

Procrastinate the issue

Many people in the current twenty something generation around me I have seen opting for proceeding living at home depending on parents while continuing studies in new undergrad courses or sometimes even with jobs and postgrad courses. 

Just ignore the issues arising

This involves a great deal of distractions from the real demands or even a crisis of loneliness by spending unhealthy amount of time working, drinking, partying and/or in shallow relationships. 

Give into the despair or loneliness

Many times, resulting in anxiety, depression and many times in catastrophic outcomes, such as suicide

Cease to be lonely

Many times people engage in unhealthy relationships to cease, even if momentarily, to be lonely. Many of these relationships are rushed, emotionally based and many times (especially in religious circles) result in premature marriage. What this attempts to construct is the feeling of "safe haven" in an alternate way, by starting a new family. However, giving into that impulse in such an important and life changing decision in a time of crisis very often results in problems worse than the initial ones -  not only affecting one's self, but also another person. 

Very little is said about the difficulty of this time of changes, which is surprising given the fuss kicked up for the much smaller issue of puberty. The whole crisis of the twenty something limbo came as a complete surprise, and it hit me full on like a blow to the face when I least expected it. Perhaps due to not knowing the need and importance of dealing wisely with such circumstances, we have many 30 year old teenagers in the world, or people making such bad decisions. Maybe, we are just such a spoilt generation, that we are just really reluctant to get our act together and grow up. 

Therefore, I do not have a precise formula as to how to deal with this phase of life, especially because I am still in it, and thus my view is partial and clouded. However, what I can do is share some things that have kept me sane in these very strange, confusing and at times overwhelming circumstances. 

Whatever is the case, I think it's important to talk about the challenges and to seek support from people that are older and wiser. Even communicating with other people also in the same phase is important - it's a great deal of relief knowing you aren't the only one struggling. People in the same situation understand, have empathy and perhaps you can help each other out. 

Secondly, it is important to be in check with yourself and your feelings. I know, it sounds sentimental, and so on, but feeling secure in yourself and your value as a human being takes away the whole 'seeking approval' thing, and can help your time of 'loneliness' become rather a time of solitude - a time to learn, to get to know yourself more, and figure out what really is important in your priorities, convictions, natural abilities and skills. Knowing these things makes you less susceptible to impulsive decisions, and can help you plan out a potential course to take. Also, examine realistically your circumstances. Common sense goes a long way in decision making. 

Lastly, I think the only thing that has kept me sane throughout the whole process is knowing that I'm not just an aimless wanderer floating helplessly in the hands of circumstances or feelings. As a Christian, I believe that God is sovereign, and he has a will for my life - I also believe I have a free will to choose what I want to do, but from experience I have found it's a better idea to seek what his is. Rationally, asking help to someone who is omniscient (aka, knows all things) for help is a good plan. If he knows all the variables at play in all of space and time, why not try to get his help? 

Many people, even if Christians might fear this out of love for their own dreams - and this is something I am still trying to learn to let go of - or out of fear of what might come. God's will is good, perfect and pleasant (Romans 12.2), even if not painless or easy. But something to consider is that God made us, along with our talents and aptitudes - so it makes sense that his will likely may involve things you like and are good at, even if in an unexpected way. He also knows what really matters to you long term - sometimes having less money at a time can teach something that can impact you, your love for others, your soul eternally, which has infinitely more value than having money in a particular time of your life, for example. So we can trust him to make things cooperate for our ultimate good (Romans 8.28) even if our concept of "good" is different from his. 

Of course, this "his will" can mean a great deal of things. It can be hard, painful, illogical and many times counter-cultural. Sometimes, people might think you are a crazy fanatic, as was the case of my grandpa, who with a degree in naval engineering and in medicine, knew english, latin, french, spanish, greek and hebrew, left a developed country to come to the back of beyond of Brazil to be a missionary - note that Portuguese is not on the list. But, steady your convictions and go for it if you are very sure of something. 

At times, one might regret seeking his will at all. However, in my personal experience, God has worked out amazing things even in the chaos of my life. He has given me more than I could ask or imagine, and in seemingly bad circumstances he put around me taught me many lessons I otherwise would not have had if I had decided things on my own. Even if sometimes I cringe at the "Your will be done" with some fear and apprehension, I would rather be a headless chicken in his hands and in his control than be a headless chicken distractedly running towards a precipice of selfish, vain, prestigious and materialistic ambition that is hidden behind the social convention of "do what makes you happy". 

And so, in the end of my conclusion, I think seeking a purpose and having something bigger to aim at has kept me running the race (though sometimes it's more like a maze than an olympic track). It's a complicated and weird time, but I think that if we can even get out of "exploring an entire new world" as toddlers and the arrogant time of puberty alive, we can probably get away with learning to be a "responsible adult". Perhaps making failures into teachers rather than defeaters, is lesson #1 in survival and growing up. 

Unfitting

Whenever I went to get my school uniform, my mum got the uniform or a pair of shoes two or three sizes bigger than my own and said "You'll grow into it, we don't have the money to keep buying it new all the time". I looked at the long sleeves drooping over my hands, or the hems of trousers folded up, or the space between my toe and the front of the shoe and wondered how it was possible that one day I could fill all this space.

I think this is the same feeling I have facing the immense changes facing me at hand. It has been a feeling recurrent - but now it seems somewhat foolish that the object of fear would be passing with a good mark in electromagnetism or in ordinary differential equations. At present, as the weeks go by and I tick of items pending on my "to do" list, my imminent departure of the place that has been "home" for my entire life becomes more real. It's good, but it's bad. It's exciting, but absolutely terrifying. It's a full on paradox. This is a process that I have called informally "adulting" - and it feels like it's time to face more responsibility than I feel prepared to take on.

 -- A homemade definition --

a·dult·ing
/əˈdəlt,ˈadˌəltiNG/

verb
The sudden realisation of the need to become fully grown and developed. 

"He is adulting very much now that he has to pay his own bills."  

noun Process related to taking on responsibility for one's self and one's actions. 

"They have not talked so much lately because of adulting."   

adjective 

Quality that contributes to the process of adulting (see noun). 

"Living abroad is a very adulting experience."

However, thinking of all the times the "too small to fill these shoes" feeling was present, it was a remarkably similar feeling. The challenges we face throughout life fill us equally of fear and insecurity, from when we learn our alphabet to when we have to write a cover letter for our CV. However much now I could look back at when I was learning my timetables and think "How I wish those were my issues now...", the truth is, I do not wish I was in that phase of my life, because at the time, learning timetables was as challenging then to me as the challenges I face now.

The trouble with nostalgia is that looking back in time, more often than not, memories are an idealised scene of our past that have been subject to years of emotional attribution and subjectivity. We tend to store memory most strongly when it is relevant emotionally. This is why many times we remember well something we ate that made us sick, and why we also remember well moments that made us very happy. Emotional relevance makes your body more likely to put the effort into memorising a particular type of data, and so we have very extreme memories of the past.

Likewise, we tend to idealise the future and have high expectations - but given that the number of variables coordinating our future is infinitely larger than anything we can even imagine, whatever future we imagine is almost definitely not the same as what it actually will be. This is a dangerous way of thinking and it may make us believe other times are much better or much worse than our present [1] - the only time we can actually do something about. This type of logic - nostalgic or futuristic - distorts our view of the world, and cripples us when faced with new situations because our reference point of "good" or "easy" is unrealistic. We believe the grass is always greener away from our present situation.

I think it's interesting looking at God's approach to such things in his Word. We are creatures bound within time (for now, anyway), and time is mentioned indirectly. Consistently in the old testament God reminds us to look to the past and see what he has done, to see his faithfulness. He does not tell us to look at the circumstances, at our emotional context, at the people surrounding us in a certain point of life - but he told us to look to Him, and no one else. When he speaks to Israel, he asks her to remember all he has done and the signs and evidence of his love (Deuteronomy 8.10-18). He calls himself multiple times the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He attaches the memory of his work, love and faithfulness to his very name. He was, he is and is to come (Revelation 4.8).

Time is not significant to him, and he is not bound by it - thus, when we look at his character in the past, we are also seeing his character in the future, and present. The only difference is the expression of this character through the different filters of circumstance.

Viewing him and his work in the past, apart from making us unrealistically idealise circumstances in the past, also brings our attention back to his faithfulness - the reason why fear of the future, or even giving it undue attention is absolutely unnecessary. He teaches us to pray for "our daily bread" - not a bread like yesterdays, or enough bread to stock up for years to come. By remembering what he has done, we cease to try to live in any time other than our own, for it is in the present we can live, breathe, love, interact, learn and change. We see only him in the past and trust him with the future - while it is in the present that we touch eternity, and can actually do something to be closer to what he intends us to be in eternity.

And thinking of this, of all the times I felt too small to fit the shoes I was wearing, these were the moments I stopped and looked to God, and he helped me through the next unstable steps. Consistently he showed me where to step and held my hand, and slowly I grew to fit the shoes I had - and were my weakness abounded, his strength abounded even more. I guess it's time to tie the shoelaces and trust him for the next step!

"One step thou seest - then go forward boldly
One step is far enough for faith to see
Take that, and the next duty shall be told thee
For step by step by step, the Lord is leading thee"

[1] I came across an interesting word that seems to have a meaning that explains this very well (according to the wisdom of Wikipedia, anyway): Sehnsucht but that "represents thoughts and feelings about all facets of life that are unfinished or imperfect, paired with a yearning for ideal alternative experiences. It has been referred to as “life’s longings”; or an individual’s search for happiness while coping with the reality of unattainable wishes. Such feelings are usually profound, and tend to be accompanied by both positive and negative feelings. This produces what has often been described as an ambiguous emotional occurrence."

Outsourced love

Many times, I need to use the subway or the bus in São Paulo, and this experience frustrates me greatly. Firstly because there is a high concentration of people, generally in closed, hot and confined spaces. Secondly, because it's mentally stressful to be a young person on public transportation because, even if there are seats marked different colours especially because of them being priority seats, very often I have seen young people occupy such seats and either blatantly ignore older people, or act like they are distracted and never see the person. This irritates me profoundly. Therefore, I try to take it upon myself to give my seat - if it is reserved or not for priority groups - but this means there is no such thing as an easy relaxed trip even if I am sitting. I remember laughing very much when I tried to offer my seat to an old asian man in the subway, but he kindly shook his head and pointed to the seat he was standing beside - a priority seat, occupied by a young man that had not given up his seat. The asian grampa smiled and waited patiently until this young man gave up his seat. Eventually, the young man gave up and gave his seat and the grampa gave me a huge smile as he sat again, and we silently shared a laugh. However, the fact that this type of thing happens is only symptomatic of a social condition which is a whole lot worse.

While in many cultures people who are older are respected and cared for, the western culture has little to show in this regard. It is somewhat a despairing thought to imagine one's self perhaps becoming older in this society that ceases to give value to those who cease to be productive. Once a person has reached a certain point in which they do not work, earn or produce, it is like they are no longer necessary and are essentially waiting for their last years to pass by and are little more than an annoyance to much of society. 

Especially in big cities, it is a very lonely place to be of age. There are little to no activities the person can do alone - not even go for a walk or buy something they need - and so they are trapped within the place where they reside. Very few older people are able to live their entire lives alone, and when they need care, they are sent to a home because any sons and daughters have to 'get on with their lives'. There is no time to stop for the other. It is better for people to pay for others to care of their parents than it is to do it one's self. 

This is not something unique to the treatment of old people, but also of children. I came from a culture in which when I went to visit my friends in their houses, I never met their mothers - I met only their nannies. The mothers were always working. 

Although at times this is a necessity due to a financial condition, many times the money the mother earns at work is entirely spent on the nanny and the housekeeper that are artificially playing the role of a mother, but without the emotional bond or freedom to discipline. Children are raised by creches, schools, television and internet because at some point women saw that those who were recognised most in society, were those that were part of the machine of production and profit, allied to the feeling of need of independence, we have entered the workforce. I am not against this - this has saved may women from abusive relationships, and even my own mother worked throughout my childhood in a part-time job for us to manage to make ends meet financially, but she put a great deal of effort into being able to juggle all this. But what I many times see is that, many men were initially wrong in not taking up any role whatsoever in parenting and women, rather than bringing this forward to such an extent that they should fulfil this duty, women started to do the same thing as men: If working out of the house means I do not have to care for a child, then I will do so too! And in this sense "equal rights" ends up becoming something more like "equal wrongs" - and so children have been the ones who have suffered the blow of not having an identity within a family and have outsourced parenting. 

These children are now growing up. These children have never been taught to build relationships. These children have no idea who in the world they are if not doing what they saw their parents doing all their lives: working. 

We have come to the point that the question that follows "What is your name?" is "What do you do?" and the answer to what we do is our job description, because that is what ultimately we do. We do not love, laugh, spend time with our ageing parents, listen to the stories of our grandparents - what we do is our job, the rest fits around the corners. What we do is give profit to a company, what we do is we research for the desperately corrupt pharmaceutical companies that leave aside treatment that cures to be able to continue selling (and profiting) with treating symptoms, rather than solving underlying causes. What we do is we teach classrooms full of students whose names we may never know for them too to be part of this system, and will use the tools handed to them in university or school to neglect those they love. 

Of course, this seems a very pessimistic view of the world. There are many good things one can do with work, and we were commanded to work by God in Genesis - work in itself is not the problem, but the fact that it scales up the list of priorities silently and swiftly knocking down other people and things that should not be below it. 

Before work was mentioned by God, relationships were established. Reading Genesis 1 and 2, God did work to make all of Creation, but he worked so that these relationships could be established and thrive: the relationship of God and man, of man and nature and men amongst themselves. The entire basis of the system God elaborated and constructed to work harmoniously is relationships. However, it is becoming progressively more normal to entirely eliminate this aspect of life in favour of shallow relationships to give space to work. We have ceased working to survive, and we are now surviving to work. 

Our lives become empty of meaning, and we feel we lack in value when we cease to be productive. I have just spent the last 4 months away from working and studying, and I honestly was almost driven to madness because it was like I "had" to work, produce and do something to be useful to the world and not a waste of space. Instead, God answered every time I was frustrated about this by reminding me that the significance that I invested in and could achieve in this time not working was far greater away from salaries or lab countertops. It was in the home, nurturing relationships, spending time with my family, listening to my grandmother's missionary stories, writing letters and visiting people I love, or even doing things for loved ones though they were far. 

And, in fact, ultimately, it is through these relationships that we find our true meaning. I have found how out of practice I was for the art of being idle, and just how very draining and even much more challenging it is to build such meaningful relationships. It is much easier to slice tissue, follow an immunohistochemistry protocol or plot data than it is to yield to another person's will, to be silent when you disagree, to be patient when you are tired. We may be PhDs for a great deal of things, but we are barely in primary school when it comes to being a sibling, friend or parent. 

At the end of the day, with our fancy jobs, diplomas and all that money can buy, we are still miserable people. A great deal of the population suffers from depression, addiction, and multiple other disorders. We are fearful, and though we have never been so many, we have never been so alone. We seek love and approval in ways money can buy - because even with all this money, we still are not happy or fulfilled. But we can't fix it. Not by money, science or cleverness. 

The only logical way to start fixing it is going back to when things were actually working for work and relationships, in Genesis: Reestablishing the first relationship, of God and man. This is where the necessary healing begins such that from there. Christ came to reconcile in himself all things, and through him the relationships broken by beliefs that our value is in producing rather than in Christ dying for our sins can be mended. Hearts and minds wounded by a lonely society and an inhuman profit machine can be truly healed. We can perhaps then describe ourselves not anymore as engineers, scientists or psychologists - but as mothers, daughters, sons, fathers and friends. And this will have more value than any imaginable number of digits of a salary.