Puberty 2.0 - the limbo of being the twenty something year old

Times of change happen throughout our lives. Birth is a traumatic experience for a baby, and coming into contact with a world that is entirely new is somewhat overwhelming. Everything has to be learnt, discovered - and many of the people 'instructing' you and desperately inconsistent and confusing. Growing up, we gain progressively more freedom, our bodies grow, change, and we continue developing. We come to the world as explorers, but generally for the first couple of decades we have a safe base we can go back to - the home, the parents, sometimes siblings. It is the safe haven that, in our moments of crisis - every explorer has their crisis and failures - where we can run to and feel safe. 

Of all these times of changes, for whatever reason, the main focus is puberty; it is a time that gets a great deal of attention because of the physical and hormonal changes going on. The dynamics of relationships change a lot, and social gatherings and acceptance change. When I was around 11 years old, I remember solemnly receiving a book called "happy adolescence" -which was in fact very poorly written, utterly uninteresting, and which I do not even recall having finishing due to thinking it was a waste of time. Also, I recall hearing from teachers, leaders and parents  many things about this strange concept of "puberty" - I heard so many times about the changes I was going to go through, I never really understood the fuss everyone was kicking up. I just wanted to say "Would you just get over it, already?". 

Church and sunday school seemed to be trying to brain wash me with all these rules about the things that would change, without ever actually sitting down for an actual conversation or actually giving reasons for these rules, which simply irritated me because I was treated like less than a person, as if I were not capable of thinking. I was sick of hearing all these rules regurgitated and hammered into my head. Perhaps what made puberty most traumatic were not the changes themselves, but the dramatic reaction of those 'responsible adults' surrounding me telling me how traumatic it was going to be. 

In contrast with the pubescence when I presumptuously assumed myself to be 'all grown up' and 'very capable of making my own decisions', irritated by advice, I find myself currently in another crucial time of development and formation that is entirely opposite in essence. It is the sudden realisation of the foolishness of the arrogance of adolescence, when, faced with the world and responsibility, I realise how actually very not grown up or capable of making my own decisions I feel - even if I have reached the point it is non-optional to backtrack and run to mummy, and yet you crave help, support and advice. 

The phase I refer to is the early to mid twenties time of coming to the end of graduation. Up to now, things were pretty straight forward: School, pick a university course, stick to that for 4 to 5 years, get that done. From the point the course comes to an end, though, things get complicated - so, what now? There is no obvious formula. Academia? Continue studying? Work in industry? Start a business? Follow an irrational dream? Options and possibilities stretch out as endlessly as your imagination can take you, and it is quite overwhelming. Still, I do not believe the changes in career are the worst part. You are not only in a career limbo, you are in a life limbo. 

The safe haven of "home" many times ceases to exist. You are now a "responsible adult" (whatever that means). Running home in any crisis is not an option you can often go for. It is time to take on responsibility and administrate time and money: pay bills, organise housing, take care of your housing, work full time, keep your documents in order. You no longer have a moment of leisure, of letting someone else take care of things for you while you chill out. If you mess up, you have only yourself to blame. If you pick a bad health insurance, it's your bill you have after an accident. If you spend too much on a shopping spree, you don't have money for food. 

Also, not only practically, but also emotionally, this can take a toll. The feeling of going back home after living away for a long time many times gives you a feeling that, though you love the people there very much, that is not the place you fit in anymore - especially because many times family rightfully so have difficulty in seeing you as now a grown adult, and still see a funny toddler or a giggly baby that knows nothing of the world. This, combined with losing many friends, contributes to a feeling of non-belonging that can be a dangerous component triggering reckless choices of courses of action.

The end of university also brings many social changes. Many times, it means moving away from the city you have been for at least the duration of your course - this means, apart from leaving a place that ideally you have associated with good memories, it also means parting with people that have been very important to you for in the least a few years. Your friends may move cities or countries, or you yourself might be the one moving. 

This means that adding to the pile of confusion regarding career, a terrible feeling of misplacement, an overwhelming feeling of need to 'grow up' and take up responsibility you do not feel ready to take on, holding it all together is a heart wrenching feeling of loneliness. Having all these complicating factors at play that place your life in this void lacking an obvious path to take contributes very often to very poor decision making. 

There are a few options of how to avoid these issues that I have seen in use,

Procrastinate the issue

Many people in the current twenty something generation around me I have seen opting for proceeding living at home depending on parents while continuing studies in new undergrad courses or sometimes even with jobs and postgrad courses. 

Just ignore the issues arising

This involves a great deal of distractions from the real demands or even a crisis of loneliness by spending unhealthy amount of time working, drinking, partying and/or in shallow relationships. 

Give into the despair or loneliness

Many times, resulting in anxiety, depression and many times in catastrophic outcomes, such as suicide

Cease to be lonely

Many times people engage in unhealthy relationships to cease, even if momentarily, to be lonely. Many of these relationships are rushed, emotionally based and many times (especially in religious circles) result in premature marriage. What this attempts to construct is the feeling of "safe haven" in an alternate way, by starting a new family. However, giving into that impulse in such an important and life changing decision in a time of crisis very often results in problems worse than the initial ones -  not only affecting one's self, but also another person. 

Very little is said about the difficulty of this time of changes, which is surprising given the fuss kicked up for the much smaller issue of puberty. The whole crisis of the twenty something limbo came as a complete surprise, and it hit me full on like a blow to the face when I least expected it. Perhaps due to not knowing the need and importance of dealing wisely with such circumstances, we have many 30 year old teenagers in the world, or people making such bad decisions. Maybe, we are just such a spoilt generation, that we are just really reluctant to get our act together and grow up. 

Therefore, I do not have a precise formula as to how to deal with this phase of life, especially because I am still in it, and thus my view is partial and clouded. However, what I can do is share some things that have kept me sane in these very strange, confusing and at times overwhelming circumstances. 

Whatever is the case, I think it's important to talk about the challenges and to seek support from people that are older and wiser. Even communicating with other people also in the same phase is important - it's a great deal of relief knowing you aren't the only one struggling. People in the same situation understand, have empathy and perhaps you can help each other out. 

Secondly, it is important to be in check with yourself and your feelings. I know, it sounds sentimental, and so on, but feeling secure in yourself and your value as a human being takes away the whole 'seeking approval' thing, and can help your time of 'loneliness' become rather a time of solitude - a time to learn, to get to know yourself more, and figure out what really is important in your priorities, convictions, natural abilities and skills. Knowing these things makes you less susceptible to impulsive decisions, and can help you plan out a potential course to take. Also, examine realistically your circumstances. Common sense goes a long way in decision making. 

Lastly, I think the only thing that has kept me sane throughout the whole process is knowing that I'm not just an aimless wanderer floating helplessly in the hands of circumstances or feelings. As a Christian, I believe that God is sovereign, and he has a will for my life - I also believe I have a free will to choose what I want to do, but from experience I have found it's a better idea to seek what his is. Rationally, asking help to someone who is omniscient (aka, knows all things) for help is a good plan. If he knows all the variables at play in all of space and time, why not try to get his help? 

Many people, even if Christians might fear this out of love for their own dreams - and this is something I am still trying to learn to let go of - or out of fear of what might come. God's will is good, perfect and pleasant (Romans 12.2), even if not painless or easy. But something to consider is that God made us, along with our talents and aptitudes - so it makes sense that his will likely may involve things you like and are good at, even if in an unexpected way. He also knows what really matters to you long term - sometimes having less money at a time can teach something that can impact you, your love for others, your soul eternally, which has infinitely more value than having money in a particular time of your life, for example. So we can trust him to make things cooperate for our ultimate good (Romans 8.28) even if our concept of "good" is different from his. 

Of course, this "his will" can mean a great deal of things. It can be hard, painful, illogical and many times counter-cultural. Sometimes, people might think you are a crazy fanatic, as was the case of my grandpa, who with a degree in naval engineering and in medicine, knew english, latin, french, spanish, greek and hebrew, left a developed country to come to the back of beyond of Brazil to be a missionary - note that Portuguese is not on the list. But, steady your convictions and go for it if you are very sure of something. 

At times, one might regret seeking his will at all. However, in my personal experience, God has worked out amazing things even in the chaos of my life. He has given me more than I could ask or imagine, and in seemingly bad circumstances he put around me taught me many lessons I otherwise would not have had if I had decided things on my own. Even if sometimes I cringe at the "Your will be done" with some fear and apprehension, I would rather be a headless chicken in his hands and in his control than be a headless chicken distractedly running towards a precipice of selfish, vain, prestigious and materialistic ambition that is hidden behind the social convention of "do what makes you happy". 

And so, in the end of my conclusion, I think seeking a purpose and having something bigger to aim at has kept me running the race (though sometimes it's more like a maze than an olympic track). It's a complicated and weird time, but I think that if we can even get out of "exploring an entire new world" as toddlers and the arrogant time of puberty alive, we can probably get away with learning to be a "responsible adult". Perhaps making failures into teachers rather than defeaters, is lesson #1 in survival and growing up. 

Unfitting

Whenever I went to get my school uniform, my mum got the uniform or a pair of shoes two or three sizes bigger than my own and said "You'll grow into it, we don't have the money to keep buying it new all the time". I looked at the long sleeves drooping over my hands, or the hems of trousers folded up, or the space between my toe and the front of the shoe and wondered how it was possible that one day I could fill all this space.

I think this is the same feeling I have facing the immense changes facing me at hand. It has been a feeling recurrent - but now it seems somewhat foolish that the object of fear would be passing with a good mark in electromagnetism or in ordinary differential equations. At present, as the weeks go by and I tick of items pending on my "to do" list, my imminent departure of the place that has been "home" for my entire life becomes more real. It's good, but it's bad. It's exciting, but absolutely terrifying. It's a full on paradox. This is a process that I have called informally "adulting" - and it feels like it's time to face more responsibility than I feel prepared to take on.

 -- A homemade definition --

a·dult·ing
/əˈdəlt,ˈadˌəltiNG/

verb
The sudden realisation of the need to become fully grown and developed. 

"He is adulting very much now that he has to pay his own bills."  

noun Process related to taking on responsibility for one's self and one's actions. 

"They have not talked so much lately because of adulting."   

adjective 

Quality that contributes to the process of adulting (see noun). 

"Living abroad is a very adulting experience."

However, thinking of all the times the "too small to fill these shoes" feeling was present, it was a remarkably similar feeling. The challenges we face throughout life fill us equally of fear and insecurity, from when we learn our alphabet to when we have to write a cover letter for our CV. However much now I could look back at when I was learning my timetables and think "How I wish those were my issues now...", the truth is, I do not wish I was in that phase of my life, because at the time, learning timetables was as challenging then to me as the challenges I face now.

The trouble with nostalgia is that looking back in time, more often than not, memories are an idealised scene of our past that have been subject to years of emotional attribution and subjectivity. We tend to store memory most strongly when it is relevant emotionally. This is why many times we remember well something we ate that made us sick, and why we also remember well moments that made us very happy. Emotional relevance makes your body more likely to put the effort into memorising a particular type of data, and so we have very extreme memories of the past.

Likewise, we tend to idealise the future and have high expectations - but given that the number of variables coordinating our future is infinitely larger than anything we can even imagine, whatever future we imagine is almost definitely not the same as what it actually will be. This is a dangerous way of thinking and it may make us believe other times are much better or much worse than our present [1] - the only time we can actually do something about. This type of logic - nostalgic or futuristic - distorts our view of the world, and cripples us when faced with new situations because our reference point of "good" or "easy" is unrealistic. We believe the grass is always greener away from our present situation.

I think it's interesting looking at God's approach to such things in his Word. We are creatures bound within time (for now, anyway), and time is mentioned indirectly. Consistently in the old testament God reminds us to look to the past and see what he has done, to see his faithfulness. He does not tell us to look at the circumstances, at our emotional context, at the people surrounding us in a certain point of life - but he told us to look to Him, and no one else. When he speaks to Israel, he asks her to remember all he has done and the signs and evidence of his love (Deuteronomy 8.10-18). He calls himself multiple times the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. He attaches the memory of his work, love and faithfulness to his very name. He was, he is and is to come (Revelation 4.8).

Time is not significant to him, and he is not bound by it - thus, when we look at his character in the past, we are also seeing his character in the future, and present. The only difference is the expression of this character through the different filters of circumstance.

Viewing him and his work in the past, apart from making us unrealistically idealise circumstances in the past, also brings our attention back to his faithfulness - the reason why fear of the future, or even giving it undue attention is absolutely unnecessary. He teaches us to pray for "our daily bread" - not a bread like yesterdays, or enough bread to stock up for years to come. By remembering what he has done, we cease to try to live in any time other than our own, for it is in the present we can live, breathe, love, interact, learn and change. We see only him in the past and trust him with the future - while it is in the present that we touch eternity, and can actually do something to be closer to what he intends us to be in eternity.

And thinking of this, of all the times I felt too small to fit the shoes I was wearing, these were the moments I stopped and looked to God, and he helped me through the next unstable steps. Consistently he showed me where to step and held my hand, and slowly I grew to fit the shoes I had - and were my weakness abounded, his strength abounded even more. I guess it's time to tie the shoelaces and trust him for the next step!

"One step thou seest - then go forward boldly
One step is far enough for faith to see
Take that, and the next duty shall be told thee
For step by step by step, the Lord is leading thee"

[1] I came across an interesting word that seems to have a meaning that explains this very well (according to the wisdom of Wikipedia, anyway): Sehnsucht but that "represents thoughts and feelings about all facets of life that are unfinished or imperfect, paired with a yearning for ideal alternative experiences. It has been referred to as “life’s longings”; or an individual’s search for happiness while coping with the reality of unattainable wishes. Such feelings are usually profound, and tend to be accompanied by both positive and negative feelings. This produces what has often been described as an ambiguous emotional occurrence."

Outsourced love

Many times, I need to use the subway or the bus in São Paulo, and this experience frustrates me greatly. Firstly because there is a high concentration of people, generally in closed, hot and confined spaces. Secondly, because it's mentally stressful to be a young person on public transportation because, even if there are seats marked different colours especially because of them being priority seats, very often I have seen young people occupy such seats and either blatantly ignore older people, or act like they are distracted and never see the person. This irritates me profoundly. Therefore, I try to take it upon myself to give my seat - if it is reserved or not for priority groups - but this means there is no such thing as an easy relaxed trip even if I am sitting. I remember laughing very much when I tried to offer my seat to an old asian man in the subway, but he kindly shook his head and pointed to the seat he was standing beside - a priority seat, occupied by a young man that had not given up his seat. The asian grampa smiled and waited patiently until this young man gave up his seat. Eventually, the young man gave up and gave his seat and the grampa gave me a huge smile as he sat again, and we silently shared a laugh. However, the fact that this type of thing happens is only symptomatic of a social condition which is a whole lot worse.

While in many cultures people who are older are respected and cared for, the western culture has little to show in this regard. It is somewhat a despairing thought to imagine one's self perhaps becoming older in this society that ceases to give value to those who cease to be productive. Once a person has reached a certain point in which they do not work, earn or produce, it is like they are no longer necessary and are essentially waiting for their last years to pass by and are little more than an annoyance to much of society. 

Especially in big cities, it is a very lonely place to be of age. There are little to no activities the person can do alone - not even go for a walk or buy something they need - and so they are trapped within the place where they reside. Very few older people are able to live their entire lives alone, and when they need care, they are sent to a home because any sons and daughters have to 'get on with their lives'. There is no time to stop for the other. It is better for people to pay for others to care of their parents than it is to do it one's self. 

This is not something unique to the treatment of old people, but also of children. I came from a culture in which when I went to visit my friends in their houses, I never met their mothers - I met only their nannies. The mothers were always working. 

Although at times this is a necessity due to a financial condition, many times the money the mother earns at work is entirely spent on the nanny and the housekeeper that are artificially playing the role of a mother, but without the emotional bond or freedom to discipline. Children are raised by creches, schools, television and internet because at some point women saw that those who were recognised most in society, were those that were part of the machine of production and profit, allied to the feeling of need of independence, we have entered the workforce. I am not against this - this has saved may women from abusive relationships, and even my own mother worked throughout my childhood in a part-time job for us to manage to make ends meet financially, but she put a great deal of effort into being able to juggle all this. But what I many times see is that, many men were initially wrong in not taking up any role whatsoever in parenting and women, rather than bringing this forward to such an extent that they should fulfil this duty, women started to do the same thing as men: If working out of the house means I do not have to care for a child, then I will do so too! And in this sense "equal rights" ends up becoming something more like "equal wrongs" - and so children have been the ones who have suffered the blow of not having an identity within a family and have outsourced parenting. 

These children are now growing up. These children have never been taught to build relationships. These children have no idea who in the world they are if not doing what they saw their parents doing all their lives: working. 

We have come to the point that the question that follows "What is your name?" is "What do you do?" and the answer to what we do is our job description, because that is what ultimately we do. We do not love, laugh, spend time with our ageing parents, listen to the stories of our grandparents - what we do is our job, the rest fits around the corners. What we do is give profit to a company, what we do is we research for the desperately corrupt pharmaceutical companies that leave aside treatment that cures to be able to continue selling (and profiting) with treating symptoms, rather than solving underlying causes. What we do is we teach classrooms full of students whose names we may never know for them too to be part of this system, and will use the tools handed to them in university or school to neglect those they love. 

Of course, this seems a very pessimistic view of the world. There are many good things one can do with work, and we were commanded to work by God in Genesis - work in itself is not the problem, but the fact that it scales up the list of priorities silently and swiftly knocking down other people and things that should not be below it. 

Before work was mentioned by God, relationships were established. Reading Genesis 1 and 2, God did work to make all of Creation, but he worked so that these relationships could be established and thrive: the relationship of God and man, of man and nature and men amongst themselves. The entire basis of the system God elaborated and constructed to work harmoniously is relationships. However, it is becoming progressively more normal to entirely eliminate this aspect of life in favour of shallow relationships to give space to work. We have ceased working to survive, and we are now surviving to work. 

Our lives become empty of meaning, and we feel we lack in value when we cease to be productive. I have just spent the last 4 months away from working and studying, and I honestly was almost driven to madness because it was like I "had" to work, produce and do something to be useful to the world and not a waste of space. Instead, God answered every time I was frustrated about this by reminding me that the significance that I invested in and could achieve in this time not working was far greater away from salaries or lab countertops. It was in the home, nurturing relationships, spending time with my family, listening to my grandmother's missionary stories, writing letters and visiting people I love, or even doing things for loved ones though they were far. 

And, in fact, ultimately, it is through these relationships that we find our true meaning. I have found how out of practice I was for the art of being idle, and just how very draining and even much more challenging it is to build such meaningful relationships. It is much easier to slice tissue, follow an immunohistochemistry protocol or plot data than it is to yield to another person's will, to be silent when you disagree, to be patient when you are tired. We may be PhDs for a great deal of things, but we are barely in primary school when it comes to being a sibling, friend or parent. 

At the end of the day, with our fancy jobs, diplomas and all that money can buy, we are still miserable people. A great deal of the population suffers from depression, addiction, and multiple other disorders. We are fearful, and though we have never been so many, we have never been so alone. We seek love and approval in ways money can buy - because even with all this money, we still are not happy or fulfilled. But we can't fix it. Not by money, science or cleverness. 

The only logical way to start fixing it is going back to when things were actually working for work and relationships, in Genesis: Reestablishing the first relationship, of God and man. This is where the necessary healing begins such that from there. Christ came to reconcile in himself all things, and through him the relationships broken by beliefs that our value is in producing rather than in Christ dying for our sins can be mended. Hearts and minds wounded by a lonely society and an inhuman profit machine can be truly healed. We can perhaps then describe ourselves not anymore as engineers, scientists or psychologists - but as mothers, daughters, sons, fathers and friends. And this will have more value than any imaginable number of digits of a salary. 

The absurdity of "mine"

I have been trying to write something perhaps related to my thoughts during the time of Advent and Christmas, but nothing has really come out onto paper as I hoped it would. Words did not flow, or seemed exceedingly theoretical. Therefore, I decided to write about an experience I am going through at the moment.

Currently I am in the process of packing my entire life into 2 suitcases. I have moved (sort of) before, but it involved multiple trips, cases, furniture, pictures, papers... But this time, I do not have that luxury.

This has been a very disillusioning experience - in the sense of the freeing of illusion - because the more I look at all the material things gathered over the past 23 years, the more I realise no one person in the world can use all this. I look at wardrobes overflowing with things, and I think of refugees that leave home with only a backpack, or people who lost everything in floods, fires and hurricanes. I think of all the clothes of brands that, later after purchasing them, were found to have a great deal of illegal slave work in making the garments. I think of all the underpaid people in China, Taiwan, Indonesia, Brazil that are a part of the process to make everything - from fabric, to sewing, to boxing, to transporting, to selling until it comes beautifully made, wrapped and hung in my wardrobe. A beautiful piece that hides suffering and costs freedom and lives of many.

 It frustrates me and saddens me that at some point I started believing the lies of a materialistic society that there is no such thing as "enough". We are told by our context to live in a logic of lack - we are constantly focusing on that which we do not yet have, what we are not - rather than a logic of thankfulness for what we do have. We become petty, shallow and pathetic people that already cannot carry what we have, and are yet chasing the bone industries through for us to make them profit. A machine that works in a sick, greedy setting that makes few grow and profit with a cost of things much more valuable than money: freedom, life, dignity.

A painful realisation, is that this is not temporary or unique to our society. Greed has taken many forms over history and has destroyed many people. Perhaps it is because with more money and belongings we feel safer - we believe we are achieving some form of meaning in our earthly lives (only to then find out in our dying beds that no money in the world can make us immortal). Perhaps we believe that having much means that we are being blessed, and therefore all is right with our soul. Or maybe we think our value as human beings is directly proportional to how much we own. I do not know a reason for it, but what I do know is any form of such justifications are blatant lies.

Firstly, ownership is a plainly foolish belief. As C.S.Lewis puts in Screwtape Letters, claims of "mine" sound equally absurd in Haven or in Hell; we will eventually find out who our time, our bodies, our efforts, our things belong to - if they belong to God or to Satan. Secondly, what we are are stewards of that which is given into our care - this means that pure temporary stewardship of money is not wrong any more than having a particular skill, intelligence, talent or ability - but we are accountable for how these are used, and what we believe them to be. If we believe they are ours by right or that our overall value is improved by having such gifts, then we are proud - and thus are not serving God with them. Also, if living in that logic we become self centred and selfish - we serve our idols and ourselves, instead of God.

In Matthew 19.16-22 and Mark 10.17-31, we can see two different accounts of Jesus having a dialogue with someone with many possessions but that sought out his Teacher to find eternal life - he studied, he learnt the commandments, and sought to learn more from Jesus. However, when told to sell all he had, give money to the poor, and follow Jesus, he couldn't. This passage puzzles me. Did he see more meaning in possessions than eternal life? Did he not really believe in Jesus? I don't know his heart. But what I do know is that in my much milder calling of "put your possessions only into 2 cases and follow me" seems like child's play! But still, at many times, I see something and am reluctant to give it away - either because I know how many months of allowance I had to save up to get it, or because of remembering who gave it, multiple reasons flood into my brain at the moment. But I have mostly found that rather than reasons, they are excuses. Because, if I were to think honestly - are there not many other people that need these things much more than I do? Is it not better for that coat to heat someone in the cold winter, or those shoes to protect someone's feet from all sorts of wounds or infections? But it is easier to ignore this harsh reality

The truth is, for a true follower of Christ this should not be a difficult job. When generosity does not come easily, many things can have influence over that - loving ourselves too much in the form of pride, telling us we need it more than anyone else or that 'we deserved it because of working for it'; lack of love compassion, failing to see God's image and likeness in the other and therefore using differences as barriers between us and the other; perhaps even plain negligence and failure to look beyond our own safe bubble; or excessive love for possessions, greed - but it definitely means something is wrong in our hearts.

And setting aside our love of possessions has a great deal of impact on our approach to others, I believe. I say this from an experience I had about 3 years ago, when I was in a very bad emotional place. I felt like God was in the process of taking away from me many 'safety lines', things I thought were important in defining who I was. We were struggling financially, struggling as a family, people I loved very much left my life, and my last safety line (prestige, studies and a label of 'intelligent') was not supporting me in a course I had no vocation for. It was like all these things were the leaves I was covering myself and my shame with, somewhat like Adam and Eve - and so the removal of them made me feel exposed. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, empty and fragile. My hands were empty of things I held dear, like there was nothing more of mine to be taken away. (Note: obviously there was much more that could be taken away, God was very merciful in the way the process occurred! I was just too absorbed in self pity to realise that!)

But I remember one day in particular, I was going home from univeristy. I was sitting in the bus and I saw two people that were clearly asian foreigners, but I couldn't place where from. They were speaking a language I couldn't understand, and I really did not want to do anything but sulk and stupidly feel sorry for myself. Until one of them asked for help in english, and I responded saying I did speak english. They were going to the same city I was, and so I said I would tell them when to get off the bus. My focus began to change away from myself. I looked at that situation, and I realised I had nothing to lose. I felt so many things dear to me had been taken away, that any form of fear or apprehension was stupid. So I took them to the city, got them subway tickets and took them to the station they had to go. They asked me curious "Why are you being so nice? Thank you!" They took pictures with me on the subway platform and gave me their e-mail - "In case you in China need help!". I chuckled to myself as I waved the two Chinese men goodbye and as I realised that feeling low, tired and useless - without any security blankets - that is when your walls come down.

Any time walking out in the street with something very valuable, it is easy to shy away from people that feel/seem menacing, but going out with no cash and nothing particularly valuable it is much easier to stop and talk to people, because we stop living in fear of loss.

And so, perhaps with the realisation of the absurdity of calling anything "ours" - either material possessions, or degrees, or talents, or even people dear to us - and see that these are all things that belong to God and which we are only stewards of, that he can take them away as easily as they were given, we cease to live in fear and anxiety. Loss is no longer an issue, because these things never actually belonged to us - they were merely lent to us. And so it is easier to live in the fluctuations of events and circumstances when the One that is most important, the only One necessary is unshakable and has promised He himself will "never leave or forsake us" (Deuteronomy 31.6), and that is enough. This, perhaps, is the true source of peace.

And, after thinking about all this, putting any 'possessions' into 2 suitcases and following Him and His will (which has been left pretty clear over the last few months) seems like a very generous and kind way of starting me off in the journey to leave the notion of "mine" behind.

The enslaving of minds

I would not generally consider myself to be a particularly compassionate person. For many years this has been a struggle of mine, and many times my prayer has been that God would give me his eyes for people, to teach me to be more understanding and loving, because this never came naturally to me. Along the years, this has been worked in my heart and slowly certain groups started to get my attention, and so my concern and prayers began to extend to matters beyond those close to my micro universe.
One day I remember particularly struck me was when a missionary working in Japan was talking about his work there, and started describing his trips in other countries in Asia. One place he stayed in to work for some time was a Christian home were girls rescued from sex trafficking were kept - many times they were sold by their own families. Some of them, as young as eleven or twelve. For some reason, this gave me a dreadful feeling of sadness, frustration and, well, rage with the world, that this could be done - something I can only classify as being 'compassion'. Since then, victims of sex trafficking have been close to my heart and prayers.
According to the International labor organisation, as many as 4.5 million people are victims of forced sexual exploitation in work - this is equivalent to the entire population of Ireland - the majority of which (over 98%, according to certain statistics) are women and girls. These statistics alone are already disheartening. However, yesterday as I listened to the lyrics in multiple popular pop songs, I realised that these numbers are just a natural consequence to an issue that runs far deeper and much more subtly than human trafficking.
Coming from a cultural context that is very concerned with aesthetics, the constant pressure women are under to always look in a particular way is overwhelming. The image portrayed in the media in Brazil is that of unanimously thin women with hair dyed and styled, make up and fashionable clothing, apart from the constant use of high heels. Cosmetic procedures have very high numbers (as I described in a previous post); the amount of money Brazilian women spend on hair and nails (approximately 20 million) surpasses that which is spent on education (approximately 18 million). Girls grow up being told by media and families that their sole purpose in life is to be married, and to be a mom. Essentially, we are told we must be desirable to hopefully be 'picked' by someone, and so - only when attached to a man - will we have value.
And so, as I thought about this culture which, certainly is not unique to Brazil, and as I thought of the lyrics of songs which make women into sexual objects, erroneously calling 'love' that which is actually lust, I realised that those in trafficking are not only the ones being beaten and forced to work for pimps.
Our minds are suffering violence daily by the lies that our context tells us. We are told we are not good enough, that our phenotype must fit absurd standards - and it is our fault if we do not. Treatments to lose weight, diets that decay the body, many times culminating in eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia. The chains holding us in this dark hatred towards our bodies are not around our hands and we have no shackles on our ankles - but the chains are those of the mind, as we are brainwashed to believe that our function in society is to look beautiful (whatever that means). We then proceed to spending money, time and health - cosmetic surgeries have multiple risks, apart from the dangers in the use of cosmetics, ranging from paraphormaldehyde (normally used for preserving cadavers and tissue), which is used in treatments to straighten hair, up to lipsticks containing lead for the colour to last longer, which is toxic.
This abuse is disguised daily in the advertisements of products of needs created by companies that state you must look in a particular way. It is also in the companies that hire women because of how they look, and state they should loose weight, or wear more make up, or be dressed in a particular weight to please the clients. It is in the soul crushing words of friends and family that say that a woman has no inherent value as a human being while she does not get a husband - and it is entirely her fault if she has not. It is concealed in the quiet words of insult coming from spouses, partners or boyfriends saying the women are ageing (and thus should dye hair/do surgery/change their bodies), or saying they should look a particular way for them, and blackmail emotionally to get what they want because these women already are emotionally vulnerable.
What this does, it constructs a system in which women and girls cease to love themselves. They live solely to please others and many times subject themselves to abusive situations with abusive partners because they were never taught to be 'loved' in another way - as I heard once, "We only accept the love we feel good enough for".
Capitalism feeds off of low self esteem, because it is easier to create needs for those who are unhappy and feel insufficient - that are trying to fit a particular image - than it is to create needs for those who feel loved and content looking another way entirely. And so it breaks the mind to the extend this oppressive context becomes normal. Ultimately, we are enslaved by ideas that break us and bind us in a culture of death, competition and hatred that has no mercy towards those who look or think differently.
In seeking value or even fame and power women willingly become slaves to such ideals that diminish themselves and others. The music industry, the film industry mostly have a sexual approach of the image of the woman - they must look sexually attractive, and many times sing lyrics that make them no less than an object. This culture has become embedded to such an extent, that it has been generally accepted as normal. Physical chains are no longer necessary, because our sense of value has been decayed to the extent it has become a choice. Rather than our bodies being trafficked to be sold, our minds have been kidnapped, bound and sold for the benefit of the industry.
One of such industries is the pornographic. In a study done in the US, it has been found that 66% of young men and 18% of young women see pornography at least once a week. In a survey done with college students, 93% of boys and 62% of girls said they were exposed to pornography before they turned 18 and in a study made with 50 of the top movies in the industry, up to 88% of scenes in porn films have sexual aggression, and 49% contain verbal aggression. What this means, is that from a young age and, many times, into adulthood both women and men are exposed to  and have regular exposure to the notion that this is the normal way that relationships function, and so men are taught this is the way to treat a woman and women are taught this is the way to be treated.
Pornography is known to be as addicting as any drug. The neurological circuitry activated is the same one as with other addictions such as drug and food addiction, and as such, it too has been found to desensitise the brain to dopamine (a neurotransmitter related to pleasure and happiness, preventing the person from feeling such things), and has also been found to make the brain shrink. Also, studies have found that men who pay for sex and/or watch porn tend to be considerably more aggressive towards women and to objectify them more.
These industries that break people, ultimately result in broken relationships and the ideas slipped in by media translate into acts of hate by diminishing the inherent value of a human being. The expressions of hate escalate to the extent that relationships become verbally and physically abusive - 35% of women worldwide have experienced either physical and/or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence. Let me put this into perspective: out of every 10 women you meet, between 3 and 4 of these have suffered abuse, and many times this ends in death: 38% of murders of women are committed by partners. Apart from this, the surviving victims suffer from multiple psychological and physical issues such as anxiety and depression (2.6 times more likely than other people) and alcohol abuse (2.3 times more likely).
The point that I am trying to get across is how simple and small things in culture - starting with telling a girl her value is in the man she gets, and she should look in a particular way - are only small signalling factors to issues that spread far and wide - to porn, domestic violence and culminates in sex trafficking - creating a culture of death to which many of us may be contributing without even being aware of this.
Many times it is easy to say that we disagree with many things in our culture - perhaps even be upset by abuse, human trafficking or even other issues not mentioned here, such as destruction of the environment, or slave labor. But we cannot simply shrug and say 'it was them': we too are part of mankind, and we too are accounted guilty. We cannot wash our hands when we too are perpetrators - even if on different scales. The person that abuses verbally a woman, the person who consumes porn, the other that buys a sex slave and the pimp are all links in the chain that contribute, ultimately, to death - of the mind and the body.
The changes can only arise in the culture surrounding us by living in a counter-culture that is an entirely different direction: we too are humans and we too are responsible for the wrong and the pain inflicted by humanity. And, once convicted, it is our responsibility to analyse and diagnose the actual changes in conduct, in the way we see and treat each other, that must be done to break the link in the chain we might be part of. Otherwise we are accomplices of hatred, abuse and murder.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

- Romans 12.1-2 (NIV)

(The sources for the data presented are here, here, here and here)

Análise sintática

O problema não é o muito amar
(Ou o assim dizer)
O problema é logo se declarar
Sem nem mesmo conhecer
O amor tem sim um alto custo
Em vez de só adjetivar o sujeito
Analisa: qual é o seu defeito?
Qual o seu conjugar do verbo ser?
Cuidado se o sujeito é oculto:
Afinal, ninguém (além do pretérito) é perfeito.
Pode ser um sujeito sincero
Ou como simples classificado
Quiçá nem mesmo valha o esmero
E nenhum verbo foi conjugado.
Mas às vezes a sintaxe tem concordância
O tempo conjuga um novo amar pelo sujeito
Amizade é transitiva, pede algo mais!
O sujeito recebe maior relevância:
Mesmo sabendo contar os defeitos...
Ao sujeito simples, adiciona-se um aposto
O oposto de desistir, algo novo então se faz
E dois sujeitos simples tornam-se um só sujeito composto

The lonely lies of social media

Brazil is the second country on the list of countries with most use of social media, only behind the USA. Alone it is responsible for 10% of the time spent on social media worldwide, and the average Brazilian uses the internet for at least 5 hours. However, Brazilians also spend approximately 4,5 hours per day watching television. Which combined with the time on the internet, consists of 9,5 hours per day spent with information being poured into our brains.

Recently, I also did a research and found in a ISAPS international survey that Brazil and USA are also countries that dispute the top of rankings regarding the biggest percentage in number of aesthetic/cosmetic surgery. Both are also top ranking countries regarding percentage of population diagnosed with depression, Brazil holding 7th (14% of total population, 66% of which are women) and USA holding first (with 17% of population). Though these are complex social issues which I could not dream of knowing for sure - and thus all I rant about from here on, is mere speculation - I find it hard to believe that these issues are non-related.

Although social media has it's importance as a means of communication and for news to be shared - since I do not watch television, it's how I keep up with news about the world and scientific field news - priorities in social media are pretty messed up. When considering the aspect of people posting about their own news, the internet is merciless. If someone posts something about how they actually feel, naïvely answering facebook's question "How are you feeling today?" or "What's on your mind?", brace yourself, because if you are not praising your own life, showing how awesome you and your events are, or exhibiting your looks, skills or intelligence, brace yourself. If you are feeling discouraged, weak and present an honest description, people tell you to talk to a psychologist instead of facebook. This is the internet. There is no room for the weak, for the ordinary, for the unhandsome.

Studies have been made that show that it is easier to be honest (and, often, hurtful) through technology because it depersonifies people. It is easier to show hate through a computer screen than it is to a human made of flesh and bone. It is easier to shame, curse and threaten a thumbnail picture and name than it is to someone standing in front of you. It makes it harder to develop empathy when there is no emotional feedback when interacting through indirect means of communication.

What this means, is that involuntarily we begin to build an internet alias, the person we want to come across as being. An alias?, one may ask. But that is my name, and those are things happening in my life, I am not lying! Yes, but there is plenty of omission.  The pictures posted only consist of the best angles, the best pictures. The stories posted are only the praiseworthy. The thoughts posted are only the popular ones among followers, seeking interest and likes. Humans are social beings, and we crave acceptance and attention.

Scrolling down your timeline suddenly becomes a depressing activity: reading about everyone's awesome lives, how happy they are, how much they have achieved, how good looking they are, you start to wonder: what is wrong with me? Why do I not feel happy like that all the time? Am I doing something wrong? So you start to try to fit in by, rather than presenting who you are, the image that you want to portray.

The alias constructed may have many forms. It may showcase your beauty - through plenty of selfies, or it can show how cultured you are by the quotes posted. It can show your awesome life through pictures of trips, holidays, parties and events. Look at how popular, smart and beautiful I am. Look at all the friends I have. We behave mostly like children craving, instead of little stars of praise, we crave thumbs up and likes. We begin to believe that our value is in what we post.

What this means is that all people have this unspoken agreement to only post things that exalt themselves, pats their pride and satisfies - even if merely by illusion - the inherent human need to be loved.

Truthfuly, this is purely symptomatic of our context. After our minds being numbed down for 39.58% of our day, through advertisements in television and on the internet, we take up marketing too in our social interactions and try to pour into other people's minds the need of interest in you, and reasons why you are important, influential, successful, happy. We advertise ourselves as though we were a product to be consumed. But that is the very issue. We are no longer people. We are products. 

This permeates not only social media and internet interaction, but it spreads into our other interactions too. We may try to fit the image as much as possible - and in come fake fabricated events, shallow relationships that never reach the real people, plastic surgery, make up and clothing to portray that image we want to get across. Our life becomes a constant show and spectacle because we fear how people would react if we were to show our real selves. 

Eventually, the show can't go on. Either we break under the pressure - causing all sorts of psychological issues and, many times, suicide - or the image cannot be fabricated. Perhaps we age and our intelligence is not as it was, our looks age and we are no longer young and beautiful, we lose money and become uninteresting, obsolete.When people realise we are not actually what we pretended to be - that we are humans made of flesh and blood, that have emotions, hurt, a complex history, we are treated like a product that did not fit the advertised qualities. The logic of purchasing and using a product for self benefit ('the costumer is always right') is transported from the marketplace into the way we interact with each other. 

The same way we were taught that others are perfect products, and were merciless in our judgement, this comes back to us. Ultimately, like the product we made ourselves to be, we are used, consumed and discarded. And so a cycle of hatred, lack of love and empathy and, in the end, loneliness begins to take its toll; although humanity never has been so connected as it is through so many means of communication, none of our 800 friends are anywhere within sight - except that handful that know you are more than a source of news, status, or looks. Those that know you are human. 

How can we break the cycle? How can we break social media addiction? The addiction to the illusion of acceptance? How can we stop drowning our minds in produced information and concepts that murder our relationships and humanity? 

 The internet ends up making us exalt ourselves, and the qualities exalted are generally individualistic and self beneficial: beauty, wealth, intelligence, status, etc. However, by changing our basis of values in our mind, instead of aesthetic surgery, we end up doing mind and soul surgery - we change the things that are important. By regarding virtues such as faithfulness, gentleness, patience, love, as higher, and by seeking such virtues, the focus changes entirely from one's self to the other. What happens is not that all the other qualities cease to exist; they may still exist, but they are not important for someone to have value. And too, if they do exist in a person that has other virtues as priorities, they are not used for self benefit: the intelligence and wealth can be used in favor of others, for example. Beauty ceases to be a competition, and can just be something pleasant to be appreciated - but definitely does not change or define the value of a person. And in a society that every advertisement highlights how important you are and how this product will benefit you, and make you be loved and appreciated, changing the way we interact with each other by seeing the other as the focus, the one to be exalted, is a rebellion in itself. And, perhaps, all that needs to happen to begin a revolution.