The absurdity of "mine"

I have been trying to write something perhaps related to my thoughts during the time of Advent and Christmas, but nothing has really come out onto paper as I hoped it would. Words did not flow, or seemed exceedingly theoretical. Therefore, I decided to write about an experience I am going through at the moment.

Currently I am in the process of packing my entire life into 2 suitcases. I have moved (sort of) before, but it involved multiple trips, cases, furniture, pictures, papers... But this time, I do not have that luxury.

This has been a very disillusioning experience - in the sense of the freeing of illusion - because the more I look at all the material things gathered over the past 23 years, the more I realise no one person in the world can use all this. I look at wardrobes overflowing with things, and I think of refugees that leave home with only a backpack, or people who lost everything in floods, fires and hurricanes. I think of all the clothes of brands that, later after purchasing them, were found to have a great deal of illegal slave work in making the garments. I think of all the underpaid people in China, Taiwan, Indonesia, Brazil that are a part of the process to make everything - from fabric, to sewing, to boxing, to transporting, to selling until it comes beautifully made, wrapped and hung in my wardrobe. A beautiful piece that hides suffering and costs freedom and lives of many.

 It frustrates me and saddens me that at some point I started believing the lies of a materialistic society that there is no such thing as "enough". We are told by our context to live in a logic of lack - we are constantly focusing on that which we do not yet have, what we are not - rather than a logic of thankfulness for what we do have. We become petty, shallow and pathetic people that already cannot carry what we have, and are yet chasing the bone industries through for us to make them profit. A machine that works in a sick, greedy setting that makes few grow and profit with a cost of things much more valuable than money: freedom, life, dignity.

A painful realisation, is that this is not temporary or unique to our society. Greed has taken many forms over history and has destroyed many people. Perhaps it is because with more money and belongings we feel safer - we believe we are achieving some form of meaning in our earthly lives (only to then find out in our dying beds that no money in the world can make us immortal). Perhaps we believe that having much means that we are being blessed, and therefore all is right with our soul. Or maybe we think our value as human beings is directly proportional to how much we own. I do not know a reason for it, but what I do know is any form of such justifications are blatant lies.

Firstly, ownership is a plainly foolish belief. As C.S.Lewis puts in Screwtape Letters, claims of "mine" sound equally absurd in Haven or in Hell; we will eventually find out who our time, our bodies, our efforts, our things belong to - if they belong to God or to Satan. Secondly, what we are are stewards of that which is given into our care - this means that pure temporary stewardship of money is not wrong any more than having a particular skill, intelligence, talent or ability - but we are accountable for how these are used, and what we believe them to be. If we believe they are ours by right or that our overall value is improved by having such gifts, then we are proud - and thus are not serving God with them. Also, if living in that logic we become self centred and selfish - we serve our idols and ourselves, instead of God.

In Matthew 19.16-22 and Mark 10.17-31, we can see two different accounts of Jesus having a dialogue with someone with many possessions but that sought out his Teacher to find eternal life - he studied, he learnt the commandments, and sought to learn more from Jesus. However, when told to sell all he had, give money to the poor, and follow Jesus, he couldn't. This passage puzzles me. Did he see more meaning in possessions than eternal life? Did he not really believe in Jesus? I don't know his heart. But what I do know is that in my much milder calling of "put your possessions only into 2 cases and follow me" seems like child's play! But still, at many times, I see something and am reluctant to give it away - either because I know how many months of allowance I had to save up to get it, or because of remembering who gave it, multiple reasons flood into my brain at the moment. But I have mostly found that rather than reasons, they are excuses. Because, if I were to think honestly - are there not many other people that need these things much more than I do? Is it not better for that coat to heat someone in the cold winter, or those shoes to protect someone's feet from all sorts of wounds or infections? But it is easier to ignore this harsh reality

The truth is, for a true follower of Christ this should not be a difficult job. When generosity does not come easily, many things can have influence over that - loving ourselves too much in the form of pride, telling us we need it more than anyone else or that 'we deserved it because of working for it'; lack of love compassion, failing to see God's image and likeness in the other and therefore using differences as barriers between us and the other; perhaps even plain negligence and failure to look beyond our own safe bubble; or excessive love for possessions, greed - but it definitely means something is wrong in our hearts.

And setting aside our love of possessions has a great deal of impact on our approach to others, I believe. I say this from an experience I had about 3 years ago, when I was in a very bad emotional place. I felt like God was in the process of taking away from me many 'safety lines', things I thought were important in defining who I was. We were struggling financially, struggling as a family, people I loved very much left my life, and my last safety line (prestige, studies and a label of 'intelligent') was not supporting me in a course I had no vocation for. It was like all these things were the leaves I was covering myself and my shame with, somewhat like Adam and Eve - and so the removal of them made me feel exposed. I felt ashamed, embarrassed, empty and fragile. My hands were empty of things I held dear, like there was nothing more of mine to be taken away. (Note: obviously there was much more that could be taken away, God was very merciful in the way the process occurred! I was just too absorbed in self pity to realise that!)

But I remember one day in particular, I was going home from univeristy. I was sitting in the bus and I saw two people that were clearly asian foreigners, but I couldn't place where from. They were speaking a language I couldn't understand, and I really did not want to do anything but sulk and stupidly feel sorry for myself. Until one of them asked for help in english, and I responded saying I did speak english. They were going to the same city I was, and so I said I would tell them when to get off the bus. My focus began to change away from myself. I looked at that situation, and I realised I had nothing to lose. I felt so many things dear to me had been taken away, that any form of fear or apprehension was stupid. So I took them to the city, got them subway tickets and took them to the station they had to go. They asked me curious "Why are you being so nice? Thank you!" They took pictures with me on the subway platform and gave me their e-mail - "In case you in China need help!". I chuckled to myself as I waved the two Chinese men goodbye and as I realised that feeling low, tired and useless - without any security blankets - that is when your walls come down.

Any time walking out in the street with something very valuable, it is easy to shy away from people that feel/seem menacing, but going out with no cash and nothing particularly valuable it is much easier to stop and talk to people, because we stop living in fear of loss.

And so, perhaps with the realisation of the absurdity of calling anything "ours" - either material possessions, or degrees, or talents, or even people dear to us - and see that these are all things that belong to God and which we are only stewards of, that he can take them away as easily as they were given, we cease to live in fear and anxiety. Loss is no longer an issue, because these things never actually belonged to us - they were merely lent to us. And so it is easier to live in the fluctuations of events and circumstances when the One that is most important, the only One necessary is unshakable and has promised He himself will "never leave or forsake us" (Deuteronomy 31.6), and that is enough. This, perhaps, is the true source of peace.

And, after thinking about all this, putting any 'possessions' into 2 suitcases and following Him and His will (which has been left pretty clear over the last few months) seems like a very generous and kind way of starting me off in the journey to leave the notion of "mine" behind.