Love is inconveniant

I haven't been on this planet for too long, but I have been on it long enough to be sick of seeing the same old story of young women who wait, and wait for love, impersonated byprince charming - aka, handsome, brave, determined, leading, kind, protector, loving, a savior of all their emotional and past issues who will redeem them from every other poor choice, and add to this list any particular adjective according to personal preference - and, upon the disilusion of discovering such a man does not exist, deciding to marry the first guy willing to marry. All because "they want to be married".

People advertise this strange idea that marriage is the end of our problems, because once you're married, that's it; afterall, in all the stories, that was all that the "Happy ever after" is, right? Suddenly, vows made, you will have a natural inclination to love, because your spouse also went through the magical transformation of "I do" and all became easy and wonderful. But...upon the sudden realisation this is not the case, after arguments and tears, fights and dishes broken, they go their seperate ways to 'seek love and happiness'.

Where I believe it all went wrong, is when the dreamers failed to foresee that love is no easy task, and involves a great deal of pain (unlike what the world sells). Now, many may object to this statement. Multiple people I know who have divorced stated that "they were no longer happy" and so decided to see if they would be happier separate than together, and so they consider that the way to allow the other person to be happy is by letting them do what they want*.

However, though happiness is a wonderful thing, our society pizes happiness above all else, whilst I believe, though a wonderful thing, there are many things far greater than happiness in the realistic scheme of things.

And example:  Current parenting believes a parent must make their child happy at whatever cost, and must yield to the child's every want. If they want the dad or uncle to dress up as a pricess, they should. If the child wants a gift, they should get it. The only thing this produces is not a happy child, but a spoilt brat. Or, in a worse case, it can produce physical or psychological harm to the child if what they want is something harmful. In this case, making the child happy (giving them what they want) is not to be regarded as highly as the child's safety. The objective of this metaphor is not to say that in any romantic relationship one has the role of a parent, for instance. In love, a discipline which many times limits happiness (and may even cause pain) is to be applied to ourselves, rather than attempt to apply it to anyone else. Perhaps having an affair with a younger woman would please a man and make him happy - however due to love and respect for his wife, he know he oughtn't pursue such a fantasy. Perhaps you would like to go to a game or had plans that would make you happy, but out of love it is many times necessary to leave this aside to spend time with a loved one.

What this means is that, appart from happiness not being the most highly regarded and protected thing, it is most certainly not your happiness that is the priority in a relationship. When I hear a number of lovesongs singing "I need you to make me happy", that, apart from not being love, is the thing most unlike love - that is pride; that is believing the other person's sole objective ought to be to make you happy. And pride and love cannot coexist by their very nature. Pride states that ones self is the most important thing in the world, which prevents all of the exercises of love - service, forgiveness, understanding, repentance - from taking place. After all, why should one who believes to be perfect and sovereign go out of their way to look at the point of view of anyone other than themselves, or be concerned with the well being of another?

The beauty of a relationship where there is no pride and of perfect love on both sides is that one serves the other, and one must never seek out their own happiness or well being - for they can trust that the other will be concerned with that.

Now, when one feels love for another, the work in this task many Joules easier. However, loving someone does not mean neither that there is the feeling of love present, or that one even likes the other person all the time - after all, it is almost impossible to like anyone (even ones self) all of the time. I dare say, love proves itself most in the moments where the feeling is entirely absent, and still is acted upon as though it were present. More than a noun, a place to be 'in' or something to be felt, love is a verb: not to be spoken of in far off theories, but in actions of self sacrifice.

This does not mean any bloke who shows up at a lass' door ought to be the one to marry because "love isn't easy" afterall, but the evaluation to be made is if this is the promise one wishes to make to a potential spouse - to live in self sacrifice constantly, to be willing to bend and serve and be faced every day with your natural tendency to be self centred (and being constantly reminded by this other person that you shouldn't). The Bible never ordered anyone to marry; it is a gift and a metaphor for a love far greater. Still, aside from what is sold to us, singlehood is, yes, an option to be contemplated - however it is valid to keep in mind that  marriage is only a very intensive school of a love which we are told to live by in all circles - friends, family and acquaintences.

Upon thinking of all of this, I am always brought back to think of the one who came to show us what true love is. God, himself, who made himself vulnerable to the point of being a helpless child in the hands of an inexperient mother, and gave his life for those who could never repay his love. If Christ taught us anything, he taught us that the one who loves is the one who suffers and cries. He taught us that the one who loves is the one who give everything, expecting nothing in return. The one who loves is the one who, in this world, is spat on, beaten, cursed, damned. The one who loves is the one who dies at the hands of the ones who don't.

So, to all the lass's and pet's around the world, wishing to find the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, or even walk the aisle, I leave a small reminder. I'd say that from Christ's example, it's safe to paraphrase The Princess Bride:

"Love is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." 

Note: I am not married, though in a relationship. Therefore, much of what is mentioned here comes from books such as The meaning of marriage (Tim & Kathy Keller), Mere Christianity (C.S.Lewis), The Single Issue (Alber Y. Hsu); other things come from observations of both multiple broken marriages close to me and healthy marriages; so, when treating about marriage, I'm definitely not an expert on hands on experience, and there's still much to be learnt in non-romantic relationships. So, sorry if it's too theoretical/idealistic and little practical!

* I of course understand there are multiple cases in which divorce is necessary, and I do not believe relationships in which there is infidelity or are abusive (emotionally or physically) ought to be tolerated. When I describe love as being "pain", is that there is a great deal of sacrifice that goes on, however, though Christ gave us his all, but because God loves us and has established what is a good relationship in hiw word (Mt 5.32; Col 3.19; Eph 5.25; 1 Peter 3.7; Eph 5.28). We are all humans made in the likeness of God, and as such the abuse or destruction of dignity of his likeness is an offence to God himself.