Arranged weddings, working in a certain occupation not by choice or talent, doing things simply because they have to be done. The horror. The horror of the thought of doing things - living life - due to need, convention or just because things are like that, not because of feeling. Unimaginable. Not living your life ‘to be happy’, is inconceivable.
However, when we put thought into it, the idea of living life governed by feeling, passion, interest, motivated by happiness is something relatively new in human history. So many times occupation was determined by heritage, marriage was determined by business, even death was determined by war, freedom has only come by bloodshed.
In order for us to ‘be free’ of many of these responsibilities - for there to be freedom, peace, human rights, for people to choose their spouses, many social conventions were fought against by very brave people who most likely sacrificed their own happiness, freedom, place in society of even their lives in hope that generations to come would find what they sought. They were motivated by rational decisions that saw much further ahead and that ambitioned good for more than just themselves.
Our thankfulness to this has been pitiful, at best.
When comparing previous generations to the current ones, it seems we have been raised to be ridiculously spoilt and unbearably selfish. In the same logic of a father trying to give to his child ‘all that he has never had’, previous generations have given us much that we have never had - and in this process we have never learnt what the response ‘no’ is, we have never learnt to take up the burden of responsibility, duty and honour carried by our ancestors. They tried to protect us from the world, and in the process failed to prepare us for it.
We are now used to the naïve (if not stupid) idea that we can do whatever we want, we must chose what will satisfy ourselves rather than the community/family/social context. We have been taught that our sole parameter to be consulted and referenced in decision making and attitude are emotions.
In this, our emotional intelligence seems to be that of a toddler, and a spoilt one at that. So many times we see people breaking promises, cheating, lying and hurting other people using emotion as an excuse for it.
“I’m sorry I lied and cheated, I just don’t feel the same as when we started going out. I don’t love you anymore.” - the perfect excuse in every ‘romantic’ movie in which cheating is involved, only it is sugarcoated by feeling. It’s ok for you to hurt someone else, as long as you feel happy now. Or so says media, anyway.
The thing is, if it is merely emotion and instinct, instant reward that governs us, what is there left to make us into families, into communities? How to we reach out when we only ever learnt to look into ourselves?
Psychological phenomena such as depression, social anxiety and loneliness come as no surprise in these contexts. Obviously, if told by our surroundings that we should be entirely happy all the time with every single thing we do (and having this thrown in our faces by social media portraying perfect lives), upon finding life also involves responsibility and contrary circumstances (from doing the dishes to bereavement), we panic. There must be something wrong with us - we aren’t living life right.
We were told that if we followed our hearts and our feelings, everything would go right and we would be happy, well then why is it not working with me? What is wrong with me or my life? Do I need more feeling - and thus resort to medication and drugs in seeking pleasure like this? Do I need more people to have feelings for - and thus must be famous? Maybe if I had more money and more brand things I would have less responsibility, and have extra time to ‘feel happy’.
The trouble is, whatever durable happiness in our lives, does not result from feelings or magical events coming after ‘following one’s hear’ , there is no instant formula.
Most of life comes from rational decision making, otherwise we are overwhelmingly susceptible to circumstances and those emotionally unstable and easily swayed, and the very notion of anything durable and long lasting being crushed by the fact we do not have control over life. Otherwise, upon realising we have no control over life… we break. And we find ourselves alone, because following our emotions we carelessly and stupidly burnt every single bridge behind us when moving onwards to where our hearts lead.
My intention in writing this is not to be hypocritical and point fingers and say everyone is wrong by seeking happiness - I do it, and many times have done so selfish and stupidly. I am glad to be able to pursue a career I feel I have aptitude to do, and am very thankful for the fact I was not married off at 15 years old due to an arranged marriage between my father and someone else. What I am saying is that it seems we have gone to the opposite side of the spectrum of abusing freedom to the extent to invade other people’s freedom and well being. From a very strict and structurally unyielding system, we have gone towards excessive choice and overwhelming expectations. I most certainly do not propose returning to what was, but finding a mature balance between both.
I do not think it to be a trivial shift, and it’s like humanity itself is growing up like a person: beforehand we expected to be told what to do, and now like reckless teenagers are doing anything we want because we think we are very grown up and can decide for ourselves, and now and again stop to wonder if it was that bad having someone helping us to do things, and if the excessive freedom is good.
I do hope, however, that the tendency will be freedom without injury of others, that there will be choice, but that there will be wisdom and love - not the kind of love you wait to magically feel, but the kind that you decide. The kind that you choose to live as though you love others and care for them, even if you don’t. Using your freedom wisely, not only for selfish ambition of happiness. And one day, you might actually find yourself actually loving others - and might find the happiness of the other is also yours. All resulting from decision: not from feeling. Maybe then, by choosing wisely, we will be honouring the sacrifices done by our ancestors: then, maybe someday, we won't need any more excuses at all.
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